Would it be wrong if I got a divorce? No, seriously. What I really want to do right now is pack up all my stuff and leave, and go anywhere but in this house. As a matter of fact, I really don't even need to pack up all my stuff, I would be happy to leave with just the clothes on my back if it meant I could actually have some peace. I actually dread coming home, and that's sad. I have been working tons of extra hours at work, not just to make money, but mostly so I don't have to be in this house. How do you do from loving someone with all that is in you, to not even wanting to be around them? That is so, so sad.
My mood fluctuates on almost a daily basis, but this is where I am today: I am so sick and tired of dealing with the drama, the fighting, the petty crap that I want out by any means necessary. I feel like we are prolonging the inevitable, and I am coming to the point where I don't care anymore. Obviously, it would tear me apart if I were to get a divorce from my husband, but at the same time I am envisioning my life prior to meeting him; happy and drama free. This is the trap that we fall into. I hear the serpent in my ear saying, "Did God really say...", and I myself am wondering, "Did God really say I should not get a divorce?"
But why can't I get a divorce? If you marry one person, and a few years later you wind up with someone completely different because they have changed so much, why can't you leave them? I feel like the person I married does not exist anymore. Occasionally I get glimmers of him peeking through this stranger, like when he made me coffee the other day just because...but for the most part, the man I married does not exist anymore. He is not a horrible person, by any stretch of the imagination, but he is not the person I met several years ago. So I find myself asking the Lord, "How much longer, Oh God, must I wait?" Will God move on my marriage and my husband before it is too late, before the word is spoken that cannot be taken back, or the action done that cannot be undone? Or will He sit back and watch us self-destruct? Today, God does not feel near, and it feels like He really does not care if my marriage survives, because if He did, wouldn't He have answered my prayers by now?
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
On Spiritual Gifts and Sponge People
Have you ever thought about what your spiritual gift (SG) is? Do you have any idea what your calling is within the body of God? It is possible that you haven't even thought about it before now. I am reading a book about the SG of prophecy, and this has gotten my mind thinking about all the SG's that God has given us. I happen to be a fortunate one who is pretty sure of what my spiritual gifts are, but I know there are many who are still seeking, and still more who have not even taken the time to consider what they can contribute to the kingdom of God. If you are unsure about what your spiritual gift(s) are, there are quizzes you can find online that will give you a general idea of where your gifts lie.
Once you find out what your gift is it is important to seek opportunities to walk in them. It is also important that you walk in your own gift and not try to be like someone else. When you try to walk in someone else's gift things start getting out of order and you are not doing a service to the kingdom of God. A good way to get an idea of what your gift is, is to look at the things that come to you naturally. Do you love to help the needy? Do you get excited when you tell someone about what Jesus has done for you? Do you daydream about traveling the world and helping people in other countries? These are all clues as to what could be your spiritual gift.
I believe one of my spiritual gifts is the gift of discernment. Now, all Christians should have some level of discernment. In other words, if you are a Christian you should have a basic innate concept of those things that are right and wrong. This means, if you go in a church that is telling you you do not have to treat your neighbor with kindness, the spirit inside you should send off a red flag that something is wrong with the message and you should hightail it out of there. Those who have a spirit of discernment are much more sensitive to those things that are right and wrong. Even very early in my Christian walk I can remember going to different churches and "feeling" upon entering that something was wrong in the church. As my walk with Christ developed I could sometimes tell what was wrong with a person just by talking to them for a minute or two. When I say I could tell what was wrong with someone, I mean that I could sense or feel what was troubling them. For instance, I might be talking to someone and start feeling a heavy sadness, or sometimes I would hear a nagging voice inside of me telling me what was troubling the person.
Lately I have been calling myself a "sponge person". I started thinking of this term because of what had been going on with my husband. I started asking God why it was that I had a hard time being happy if he wasn't happy. Upon entering my home and just looking at my husband I can tell what kind of mood he is in. A lot of this just has to do with non verbal cues, such as body language, etc., that are certainly not spiritual in nature, but I can also feel the atmosphere when I come in. Sometimes I can feel that he is discouraged, worried, angry, or any other emotion. I have found that whatever mood he is in I automatically feel it to my core. This is not a good way to be. I know that I need to come to a place where I can be happy in spite of...but this is difficult because with a spirit of discernment you really "feel" what others are feeling and their emotions can become your own.
I think that the spirit of discernment leaves you wide open for negativity if you are not "prayed up". I can think of two distinct times when I was not prayed up and had negative consequences because of it. Before I divulge I want to stress that I am just expressing my opinion of what happened. If you are out there and can prove or disprove my theory, you are more than welcome to comment because I, too, would like to know more about this. Anyhow, the first time I was impacted by the spirit of anther was about two years ago. I do talks at local high schools about mental health issues, and tell my story about depression. Often, when I am done talking I will have some young female who wants to talk to me in private. I hear all types of sad stories, and try to help these young women as much as possible. Before even talking to them I am saying a silent prayer that God will help me to help them.
After one talk, my fellow coworker dropped a bomb on me. She told me there was a young lady who was not part of the group we presented to, who was dealing with a severe depression and wanted to talk to me. She was at the counselors office with her mother and they were hoping I could give her a word of encouragement. Normally, this is no problem, and I am more than happy to help. On this particular day, I'm not sure why, I was slightly reluctant to talk with this young woman and I don't think I even said my silent prayer before I went in to talk to her and her mother. I remember not feeling very confident about what to say to her, and really struggling to find the right words to encourage her. I left feeling that I had not made an impact or breakthrough with her, which was unusual.
It could not have been more than two days later that I began to feel very down and sad. I want to note that I have suffered from depression in the past, but during this time I had not had any severe depressive episodes in a few years. Within a few days I became very down, and depressed. Long story short, I finally came out of the depression, but the timing of the depression was quite odd, because prior to meeting with this girl I was just fine.
A more recent example is still effecting me now. My sister and her husband have been together for many years, and have had many, many ups and downs. Their relationship has always been erratic and full of drama, arguing, and things of that nature. I rarely interact with her partly because of this reason, because I really do not want to hear about the latest issue affecting their relationship. One day, out the blue, she stopped past my house, and to make a long story short we talked about her marriage, I tried to encourage her and we prayed together (she is not saved, but has an understanding of Jesus). This is the precise day that I remember my relationship with my husband really changing. I remember him being really angry when I came home, and me thinking how out of character he was acting. Since that day, my husband and I have been having many issues in our own marriage. We rarely would argue before, and that day marked a time when we just began to have these really crazy, wild arguments, which was so out of character for both of us.
Now unbelievers, and even some Believers out there could chalk all of this up to coincidence, but for those who are aware that spiritual warfare is real will receive confirmation that spiritual attacks are no laughing matter. The purpose of telling these stories though is not to talk about spiritual warfare, though we can learn a lesson about that as well, but rather to show illustrate why it is important for a person with a gift of spiritual discernment has to stay prayed up, and armored up with God's Word. I would love to hear how others feel about spiritual warfare, and spiritual gifts. Do leave comments and let me know what you think. God Bless, and Merry Christmas.
Once you find out what your gift is it is important to seek opportunities to walk in them. It is also important that you walk in your own gift and not try to be like someone else. When you try to walk in someone else's gift things start getting out of order and you are not doing a service to the kingdom of God. A good way to get an idea of what your gift is, is to look at the things that come to you naturally. Do you love to help the needy? Do you get excited when you tell someone about what Jesus has done for you? Do you daydream about traveling the world and helping people in other countries? These are all clues as to what could be your spiritual gift.
I believe one of my spiritual gifts is the gift of discernment. Now, all Christians should have some level of discernment. In other words, if you are a Christian you should have a basic innate concept of those things that are right and wrong. This means, if you go in a church that is telling you you do not have to treat your neighbor with kindness, the spirit inside you should send off a red flag that something is wrong with the message and you should hightail it out of there. Those who have a spirit of discernment are much more sensitive to those things that are right and wrong. Even very early in my Christian walk I can remember going to different churches and "feeling" upon entering that something was wrong in the church. As my walk with Christ developed I could sometimes tell what was wrong with a person just by talking to them for a minute or two. When I say I could tell what was wrong with someone, I mean that I could sense or feel what was troubling them. For instance, I might be talking to someone and start feeling a heavy sadness, or sometimes I would hear a nagging voice inside of me telling me what was troubling the person.
Lately I have been calling myself a "sponge person". I started thinking of this term because of what had been going on with my husband. I started asking God why it was that I had a hard time being happy if he wasn't happy. Upon entering my home and just looking at my husband I can tell what kind of mood he is in. A lot of this just has to do with non verbal cues, such as body language, etc., that are certainly not spiritual in nature, but I can also feel the atmosphere when I come in. Sometimes I can feel that he is discouraged, worried, angry, or any other emotion. I have found that whatever mood he is in I automatically feel it to my core. This is not a good way to be. I know that I need to come to a place where I can be happy in spite of...but this is difficult because with a spirit of discernment you really "feel" what others are feeling and their emotions can become your own.
I think that the spirit of discernment leaves you wide open for negativity if you are not "prayed up". I can think of two distinct times when I was not prayed up and had negative consequences because of it. Before I divulge I want to stress that I am just expressing my opinion of what happened. If you are out there and can prove or disprove my theory, you are more than welcome to comment because I, too, would like to know more about this. Anyhow, the first time I was impacted by the spirit of anther was about two years ago. I do talks at local high schools about mental health issues, and tell my story about depression. Often, when I am done talking I will have some young female who wants to talk to me in private. I hear all types of sad stories, and try to help these young women as much as possible. Before even talking to them I am saying a silent prayer that God will help me to help them.
After one talk, my fellow coworker dropped a bomb on me. She told me there was a young lady who was not part of the group we presented to, who was dealing with a severe depression and wanted to talk to me. She was at the counselors office with her mother and they were hoping I could give her a word of encouragement. Normally, this is no problem, and I am more than happy to help. On this particular day, I'm not sure why, I was slightly reluctant to talk with this young woman and I don't think I even said my silent prayer before I went in to talk to her and her mother. I remember not feeling very confident about what to say to her, and really struggling to find the right words to encourage her. I left feeling that I had not made an impact or breakthrough with her, which was unusual.
It could not have been more than two days later that I began to feel very down and sad. I want to note that I have suffered from depression in the past, but during this time I had not had any severe depressive episodes in a few years. Within a few days I became very down, and depressed. Long story short, I finally came out of the depression, but the timing of the depression was quite odd, because prior to meeting with this girl I was just fine.
A more recent example is still effecting me now. My sister and her husband have been together for many years, and have had many, many ups and downs. Their relationship has always been erratic and full of drama, arguing, and things of that nature. I rarely interact with her partly because of this reason, because I really do not want to hear about the latest issue affecting their relationship. One day, out the blue, she stopped past my house, and to make a long story short we talked about her marriage, I tried to encourage her and we prayed together (she is not saved, but has an understanding of Jesus). This is the precise day that I remember my relationship with my husband really changing. I remember him being really angry when I came home, and me thinking how out of character he was acting. Since that day, my husband and I have been having many issues in our own marriage. We rarely would argue before, and that day marked a time when we just began to have these really crazy, wild arguments, which was so out of character for both of us.
Now unbelievers, and even some Believers out there could chalk all of this up to coincidence, but for those who are aware that spiritual warfare is real will receive confirmation that spiritual attacks are no laughing matter. The purpose of telling these stories though is not to talk about spiritual warfare, though we can learn a lesson about that as well, but rather to show illustrate why it is important for a person with a gift of spiritual discernment has to stay prayed up, and armored up with God's Word. I would love to hear how others feel about spiritual warfare, and spiritual gifts. Do leave comments and let me know what you think. God Bless, and Merry Christmas.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Satan's War on the Family
Hello Friends in Christ. I am writing this evening with a heavy heart. Today I encountered a situation that I never saw coming. I will make a long story short: Today it was revealed that my son and a female friend started a pregnancy rumor. At this early stage it is too early to tell if these two young children have engaged in sexual intercourse, or if this is a silly rumor that has serious consequences. Friends, satan is on the prowl. I have no intention of giving satan glory he is not worthy of. Rather, I seek to inform you that he will stop at nothing to destroy the family.
I have had my share of bad days in the past, but I must say that I have not experienced a full frontal attack from satan like I am experiencing now. For five years, my husband and I lived in peace. We rarely argued or had issues. That all changed six months ago when satan came with his whole army and hell broke loose in my home. But satan is not satisfied. I made up in my mind about a week ago that I was going to trust in Jesus, and satan did not like that. He said, "I can't get her to stress anymore about her marriage, so let me put more fire on her feet." I was not letting my husband affect me anymore, so he went for what is most near and dear to me, my child.
Only time will tell if this is a rumor or not. My son could very well be a virgin, or perhaps he has given up the great gift of virginity. In any event I am looking at satan right in his eye and saying that I choose to stand on the word of God. I am on an elevated plane right now concerning myself with God. He is my main priority because I understand that if I seek Him first, all these things will be added to me.
This is not to say that I am living in some fantasy world, and sweeping what is happening under the rug. This is a serious accusation, and while both parties involved are saying this was just a silly rumor that was started, I understand that these types of rumors have serious implications. While we are on this subject I just want to remind you all to please keep your children close. My child is an honor student and president of his school. Furthermore he is rarely allowed outside my home (which is why I am really hoping this is just a rumor), and yet he managed to get himself into a heap of trouble. Do pray for me and my family and as always I pray for you as well. I honestly believe someone is praying for me out there because I really have no idea where all this strength is coming from. The Lord continue to bless you.
I have had my share of bad days in the past, but I must say that I have not experienced a full frontal attack from satan like I am experiencing now. For five years, my husband and I lived in peace. We rarely argued or had issues. That all changed six months ago when satan came with his whole army and hell broke loose in my home. But satan is not satisfied. I made up in my mind about a week ago that I was going to trust in Jesus, and satan did not like that. He said, "I can't get her to stress anymore about her marriage, so let me put more fire on her feet." I was not letting my husband affect me anymore, so he went for what is most near and dear to me, my child.
Only time will tell if this is a rumor or not. My son could very well be a virgin, or perhaps he has given up the great gift of virginity. In any event I am looking at satan right in his eye and saying that I choose to stand on the word of God. I am on an elevated plane right now concerning myself with God. He is my main priority because I understand that if I seek Him first, all these things will be added to me.
This is not to say that I am living in some fantasy world, and sweeping what is happening under the rug. This is a serious accusation, and while both parties involved are saying this was just a silly rumor that was started, I understand that these types of rumors have serious implications. While we are on this subject I just want to remind you all to please keep your children close. My child is an honor student and president of his school. Furthermore he is rarely allowed outside my home (which is why I am really hoping this is just a rumor), and yet he managed to get himself into a heap of trouble. Do pray for me and my family and as always I pray for you as well. I honestly believe someone is praying for me out there because I really have no idea where all this strength is coming from. The Lord continue to bless you.
Friday, December 17, 2010
I Don't Want to be Right, I Want to be Happy
I can't remember when I first heard this question, I am sure it was in a book I read. The question was this: " Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy." For the last few days I have answered this question with a resounding, "I want to be happy!". After engaging in multiple screaming sessions and acting totally out of character, I made a choice to be the bigger person, and I made the choice to be happy, regardless of how anyone else decided to act. Look, I'm not going to sit here and pretend that overnight I turned into little Miss Holy. I will be the first to admit that God still has a lot of perfecting to do in me. What is true is that in the last few days I suddenly have a new and better attitude, and having not felt this good in quite some time, I have to tell you that I definitely like feeling like this a lot better.
A lot of us take the bait in life. People and their negativity will always try to reel you in to some type of negative exchange. We are humans, and we often fall for it. The reason for this is that we want to be right, we want to get the last word, and we do not want to feel like someone is dominating us.
I for one have a huge problem with people trying to "control" me or talking to me any old way. I was not raised in an environment where it was okay to turn the other cheek. Where I grew up, if you turned the other cheek it was guaranteed that you would be bullied and beat up after school everyday. Not only was I raised in a tough city, I also wound up in an abusive relationship for a few years. I promised myself I would never let any man dominate or control me. With this attitude I successfully built a super tough exterior shell. My thought process when my husband says something I do not like is to say in my head, "Who does he think he's talking to? He ain't gonna talk to ME like that." Therein lies the problem.
My automatic reaction when someone says something I don't like is to get defensive, angry, and ready to lash out to defend my "place" or honor. To let someone talk smart to you means you are "weak", a wimp, a spineless coward. So when someone gets smart with me, I give it back. A lot of us do this. Although I might take it to the extreme, many of us have the same response of wanting to retaliate when we feel we have been wronged or someone has said or done something to hurt us. With this mental attitude,we are concerned with everything BUT being happy. If we have to be miserable, it doesn't matter, because at least we got our point across and spoke our minds.
Falling into this trap is what has cause me the most trouble. I am sure you have heard it before but I really want to emphasize that being happy is a choice. The human reaction is to lash out, and retaliate. The SUPERhuman reaction is to rise above your initial reaction and take the high road. This can be so tricky when we are already trained and accustomed to doing things the old way. For someone like me, who feels very disrespected when someone gets smart with me, it is proving to be a challenge to turn the other cheek. The amazing thing, however, is that instead of feeling like a wimp or coward for letting an argument go without taking the bait, is that I actually feel stronger for not engaging in confrontation. Every time I ignore a smart comment, or respond to a smart word with a happy one, I find myself getting stronger.
The Bible verse that has been helping me is Proverbs 16:32:
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city
Tell me that's not deep! What God is telling me is that I don't need to raise my voice, and act big and bad to be strong. The strongest person is determined by their ability to rise above the human emotions and reactions. What it all boils down to is that I am sick and tired of crying and being down. I need to start speaking life into my situations, instead of having a "woe is me" attitude.
I do hope that if you are going through similar situations in your marriage that you can take something away from reading this. It helps to know that you are not the only one going through a struggle. Do always remember that the enemy is here to steal, kill, and destroy. Fight back with the word and prayer. I believe that God is going to pour His Spirit out on you, and bring peace to your marriage, but you need to make a conscious choice to let negativity come out the mouth, and fall to the floor. Don't let it penetrate your soul, don't let it pop your peaceful bubble. If someone wants to act simple, let them act simple all alone. You don't have to join them. Until next time, peace and blessings.
A lot of us take the bait in life. People and their negativity will always try to reel you in to some type of negative exchange. We are humans, and we often fall for it. The reason for this is that we want to be right, we want to get the last word, and we do not want to feel like someone is dominating us.
I for one have a huge problem with people trying to "control" me or talking to me any old way. I was not raised in an environment where it was okay to turn the other cheek. Where I grew up, if you turned the other cheek it was guaranteed that you would be bullied and beat up after school everyday. Not only was I raised in a tough city, I also wound up in an abusive relationship for a few years. I promised myself I would never let any man dominate or control me. With this attitude I successfully built a super tough exterior shell. My thought process when my husband says something I do not like is to say in my head, "Who does he think he's talking to? He ain't gonna talk to ME like that." Therein lies the problem.
My automatic reaction when someone says something I don't like is to get defensive, angry, and ready to lash out to defend my "place" or honor. To let someone talk smart to you means you are "weak", a wimp, a spineless coward. So when someone gets smart with me, I give it back. A lot of us do this. Although I might take it to the extreme, many of us have the same response of wanting to retaliate when we feel we have been wronged or someone has said or done something to hurt us. With this mental attitude,we are concerned with everything BUT being happy. If we have to be miserable, it doesn't matter, because at least we got our point across and spoke our minds.
Falling into this trap is what has cause me the most trouble. I am sure you have heard it before but I really want to emphasize that being happy is a choice. The human reaction is to lash out, and retaliate. The SUPERhuman reaction is to rise above your initial reaction and take the high road. This can be so tricky when we are already trained and accustomed to doing things the old way. For someone like me, who feels very disrespected when someone gets smart with me, it is proving to be a challenge to turn the other cheek. The amazing thing, however, is that instead of feeling like a wimp or coward for letting an argument go without taking the bait, is that I actually feel stronger for not engaging in confrontation. Every time I ignore a smart comment, or respond to a smart word with a happy one, I find myself getting stronger.
The Bible verse that has been helping me is Proverbs 16:32:
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city
Tell me that's not deep! What God is telling me is that I don't need to raise my voice, and act big and bad to be strong. The strongest person is determined by their ability to rise above the human emotions and reactions. What it all boils down to is that I am sick and tired of crying and being down. I need to start speaking life into my situations, instead of having a "woe is me" attitude.
I do hope that if you are going through similar situations in your marriage that you can take something away from reading this. It helps to know that you are not the only one going through a struggle. Do always remember that the enemy is here to steal, kill, and destroy. Fight back with the word and prayer. I believe that God is going to pour His Spirit out on you, and bring peace to your marriage, but you need to make a conscious choice to let negativity come out the mouth, and fall to the floor. Don't let it penetrate your soul, don't let it pop your peaceful bubble. If someone wants to act simple, let them act simple all alone. You don't have to join them. Until next time, peace and blessings.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Giving God the Praise
I just want to give God some praise today for all that He has done. I realized yesterday, after scouring the internet that right now my marriage is going through a spiritual attack. I already had an idea that's what was going on, but doing some research on the internet really solidified what I was feeling. Knowing what is going on is almost a relief. You can't fight an enemy when you don't know what kind of enemy it is. Knowing this is a spiritual attack makes it easier to fight, because I now know what weapons to use.
Today I was given the bait and I didn't fall for it. You see, for the past few weeks when the hubby has an attitude, I fall for it. Before you know it, I'm acting a fool right along with him, but remember what mama used to say, "Two wrongs don't make a right"? Well, I was being wrong right along with him. It was getting to the point where I felt I was losing control. I would get so angry I would start shaking and trembling and thinking about doing really bad things. That person is not me. I have come too far in my life, after being in an abusive relationship to sink to that low again. I don't argue or fight in my intimate relationship. I don't do drama, and I have to remember that. So today when I was given the bait, I stayed calm and relaxed and carried on. A fool can't argue by themselves, right?
What helped me to stay calm is the recognition that this person who argues and starts trouble is not my husband. It is my husband under spiritual attack. My husband is kind and gentle. He is loving and patient. He is happy and optimistic. My husband under attack is the opposite of those, but I decided today that it is okay. It's okay because I'm not fighting my husband anymore, I'm fighting the devil, because he is the real and only enemy I have. My husband is not my enemy, Satan is. And not only is Satan my enemy, he is the enemy of my marriage, my children, and ALL Believers everywhere. What is so great is that I am not fighting the enemy all by myself. I let God handle my big troubles, because the God of Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps. That means I can rest and carry on, and let God handle the devil.
I am optimistic today. I'm sure there will be more hard days but I feel better equipped today to handle them. As I was praying I thought of the scripture, "I look to the hills, from whence cometh my help? My help cometh from the Lord"(paraphrase, Psalms) When I think about that verse I envision God in the distance, riding on a horse with his sword drawn, and he is ready to handle his business. It's great knowing there is someone strong and mighty on my side. I want to thank those who said a prayer for me. I felt it today. Even if all you said was "Lord, bless her", that prayer was enough and it does make a difference, and my prayer is that God will bless you sevenfold, who prayed for me.
Today I was given the bait and I didn't fall for it. You see, for the past few weeks when the hubby has an attitude, I fall for it. Before you know it, I'm acting a fool right along with him, but remember what mama used to say, "Two wrongs don't make a right"? Well, I was being wrong right along with him. It was getting to the point where I felt I was losing control. I would get so angry I would start shaking and trembling and thinking about doing really bad things. That person is not me. I have come too far in my life, after being in an abusive relationship to sink to that low again. I don't argue or fight in my intimate relationship. I don't do drama, and I have to remember that. So today when I was given the bait, I stayed calm and relaxed and carried on. A fool can't argue by themselves, right?
What helped me to stay calm is the recognition that this person who argues and starts trouble is not my husband. It is my husband under spiritual attack. My husband is kind and gentle. He is loving and patient. He is happy and optimistic. My husband under attack is the opposite of those, but I decided today that it is okay. It's okay because I'm not fighting my husband anymore, I'm fighting the devil, because he is the real and only enemy I have. My husband is not my enemy, Satan is. And not only is Satan my enemy, he is the enemy of my marriage, my children, and ALL Believers everywhere. What is so great is that I am not fighting the enemy all by myself. I let God handle my big troubles, because the God of Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps. That means I can rest and carry on, and let God handle the devil.
I am optimistic today. I'm sure there will be more hard days but I feel better equipped today to handle them. As I was praying I thought of the scripture, "I look to the hills, from whence cometh my help? My help cometh from the Lord"(paraphrase, Psalms) When I think about that verse I envision God in the distance, riding on a horse with his sword drawn, and he is ready to handle his business. It's great knowing there is someone strong and mighty on my side. I want to thank those who said a prayer for me. I felt it today. Even if all you said was "Lord, bless her", that prayer was enough and it does make a difference, and my prayer is that God will bless you sevenfold, who prayed for me.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Things Change Quickly when God Does things Suddenly
Almost immediately after posting my last post, things suddenly took a turn for the better. In the last few days things have improved considerably. Things just seem lighter around here. I am in a better mood and so is hubby. Just the other night we had a talk like we haven't had in a while. What I discovered from the talk is just how far apart we are in terms of how we view things that are going on. While this might seem like a bad thing, it is actually good. Knowing how different our views are gives us a better understanding for one another and helps us to adjust to the other's moods.
What I learned is that I am not just a pessimist, I am actually a catastrophic thinker. What that means is that when it comes to my marriage, I always assume the worst. That's bad. This is how it works:
1) Hubby and I have an argument over something relatively simple
2) Instead of accepting the argument and moving forward in a positive way, I immediately begin thinking that my husband wants a divorce, that he dislikes me, and doesn't want to be around me.
3) I start picturing my husband and I getting a divorce or separating. I envision myself moving out, and starting my life over. I think about how much he detests me, and I become positive (for the next few hours anyway) that we would be better off without each other.
Meanwhile, while I am stewing, crying, and thinking of all the possible terrible scenarios that are going to result from our petty argument my husband is downstairs watching Sunday night football and totally oblivious to the fact that I am so upset. This is because he takes the argument or disagreement for what it is: a natural and inevitable part of being married.
My catastrophic thinking is rooted in my background and past, and it is destructive to my marriage. You see, catastrophic thinking is my defense mechanism. If I prepare for the worst, then I will not be surprised or hurt by it when it comes. Catastrophic thinking is my way of being ready for all the terrible things that are bound to happen in my life. The problem with this train of thought is that while bad things are bound to happen in life, it negates the fact that God has promised that He has great plans for me, and plans to prosper me, and NOT to harm me. ( Jeremiah 29:11).
The first step in correcting any negative behavior or thought process is to recognize and admit that it exists. I always knew I was a pessimist, but now I am willing to admit that I am not just a pessimist, I have destructive thoughts that have no place in my marriage or in my life, because God has great plans for me. As we head into the New Year I am beginning to feel excited. After a pretty dark period I am beginning to feel a breath of fresh air blowing through. I am excited to see what God plans for me in the New Year and I am thanking God in advance for the good things that are in store for me. I believe that this is my breakthrough year. I encourage all who are out there going through rough times to put aside the self pity for just a few minutes and give God the praise for what He has already done and what He WILL do, in due time.
What I learned is that I am not just a pessimist, I am actually a catastrophic thinker. What that means is that when it comes to my marriage, I always assume the worst. That's bad. This is how it works:
1) Hubby and I have an argument over something relatively simple
2) Instead of accepting the argument and moving forward in a positive way, I immediately begin thinking that my husband wants a divorce, that he dislikes me, and doesn't want to be around me.
3) I start picturing my husband and I getting a divorce or separating. I envision myself moving out, and starting my life over. I think about how much he detests me, and I become positive (for the next few hours anyway) that we would be better off without each other.
Meanwhile, while I am stewing, crying, and thinking of all the possible terrible scenarios that are going to result from our petty argument my husband is downstairs watching Sunday night football and totally oblivious to the fact that I am so upset. This is because he takes the argument or disagreement for what it is: a natural and inevitable part of being married.
My catastrophic thinking is rooted in my background and past, and it is destructive to my marriage. You see, catastrophic thinking is my defense mechanism. If I prepare for the worst, then I will not be surprised or hurt by it when it comes. Catastrophic thinking is my way of being ready for all the terrible things that are bound to happen in my life. The problem with this train of thought is that while bad things are bound to happen in life, it negates the fact that God has promised that He has great plans for me, and plans to prosper me, and NOT to harm me. ( Jeremiah 29:11).
The first step in correcting any negative behavior or thought process is to recognize and admit that it exists. I always knew I was a pessimist, but now I am willing to admit that I am not just a pessimist, I have destructive thoughts that have no place in my marriage or in my life, because God has great plans for me. As we head into the New Year I am beginning to feel excited. After a pretty dark period I am beginning to feel a breath of fresh air blowing through. I am excited to see what God plans for me in the New Year and I am thanking God in advance for the good things that are in store for me. I believe that this is my breakthrough year. I encourage all who are out there going through rough times to put aside the self pity for just a few minutes and give God the praise for what He has already done and what He WILL do, in due time.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Marriage or Divorce, How Did we Get Here?
When I first started this blog the intention was just to give an account of a day to day life, and some of the issues that I deal with. The hope was that other Christians out there would learn, by reading this post, that we all have struggles, none of us are perfect. What I never expected is that this might turn into an expose of how my marriage is going down the drain. Life has a way of throwing curve balls, and this situation is no different. Where this will end is beyond me, because I am already at the point where I am frustrated and literally cannot tolerate one more stupid argument.
What bothers me the most is that my husband seems totally oblivious as to how bad this situation has gotten. While he thinks this is simply a bump in the road, I am at the end of my rope and only hanging on because I tied a knot. How long will the knot hold? I don't know. I am part of the problem, and I realize that. There are issues in my past that still effect me today, and I know I have a tendency to see the worst in every situation. Yes, I am a pessimist. I wish that I could blame everything that is happening on being a pessimist but it just is not that simple. There are other forces at work, and at this point I feel powerless to change them.
As a student of Psychology, it is sickly fascinating to watch the demise of my marriage. I have always liked watching how people interact with one another, and guessing why people do the things they do. It is not as fun watching my own psychology experiment, but if I have to take some good out of it, I am sure I will learn a few things about why marriages fall apart. What I find to be kind of weird is that I can almost pinpoint the exact moment my marriage started going downhill. I don't know any other people who have gotten divorced so I wonder if this is a somewhat unique experience. In any event, since that day things have progressively gone downward. It is kind of like I am watching a train wreck that will inevitably happen.
Now you may be wondering where does God come into all this. Well, I wonder the same thing most days. In other words, I often find myself asking God if He is even around and if He even cares about what is happening in my life. Having been through trials in my life, there is a part of me that knows in the toughest time, when I only see one set of footprints in the sand, God is carrying me, but I admit there are days it just doesn't feel like that. At this point I feel like I have tried everything. I prayed, and prayed. I have fasted. I have lost my patience and yelled like a maniac, and thus far it seems like I have gotten nowhere but worse off.
I find myself feeling sorry for myself rather often. I have adopted a “why me” attitude. I know I should be attacking this issue from a standpoint of faith, but as anyone who has been in any kind of struggle will attest, this is easier said than done. At this point I do find myself trying to focus less on the problems and more on taking this as a learning experience. When all is said and done I plan on being with my husband. The word “divorce” runs through my mind often, but when I have those thoughts I envision myself standing at the altar with my husband and promising before God that I would love him in sickness and health, in good times and bad, and until death do we part. So these are the bad times. I’m fine. I tied a knot and I’m hanging on.
What bothers me the most is that my husband seems totally oblivious as to how bad this situation has gotten. While he thinks this is simply a bump in the road, I am at the end of my rope and only hanging on because I tied a knot. How long will the knot hold? I don't know. I am part of the problem, and I realize that. There are issues in my past that still effect me today, and I know I have a tendency to see the worst in every situation. Yes, I am a pessimist. I wish that I could blame everything that is happening on being a pessimist but it just is not that simple. There are other forces at work, and at this point I feel powerless to change them.
As a student of Psychology, it is sickly fascinating to watch the demise of my marriage. I have always liked watching how people interact with one another, and guessing why people do the things they do. It is not as fun watching my own psychology experiment, but if I have to take some good out of it, I am sure I will learn a few things about why marriages fall apart. What I find to be kind of weird is that I can almost pinpoint the exact moment my marriage started going downhill. I don't know any other people who have gotten divorced so I wonder if this is a somewhat unique experience. In any event, since that day things have progressively gone downward. It is kind of like I am watching a train wreck that will inevitably happen.
Now you may be wondering where does God come into all this. Well, I wonder the same thing most days. In other words, I often find myself asking God if He is even around and if He even cares about what is happening in my life. Having been through trials in my life, there is a part of me that knows in the toughest time, when I only see one set of footprints in the sand, God is carrying me, but I admit there are days it just doesn't feel like that. At this point I feel like I have tried everything. I prayed, and prayed. I have fasted. I have lost my patience and yelled like a maniac, and thus far it seems like I have gotten nowhere but worse off.
I find myself feeling sorry for myself rather often. I have adopted a “why me” attitude. I know I should be attacking this issue from a standpoint of faith, but as anyone who has been in any kind of struggle will attest, this is easier said than done. At this point I do find myself trying to focus less on the problems and more on taking this as a learning experience. When all is said and done I plan on being with my husband. The word “divorce” runs through my mind often, but when I have those thoughts I envision myself standing at the altar with my husband and promising before God that I would love him in sickness and health, in good times and bad, and until death do we part. So these are the bad times. I’m fine. I tied a knot and I’m hanging on.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Quitting Smoking
Smoking is just one of the dirty little bad habits I have. I started smoking when I was twelve. A cousin who was two years older than me and streetwise did not turn me down when I asked her for a puff. It's been an uphill battle since then. Even when I became pregnant with my first child I still smoked a little. It never bothered me much until about last year. Up until then I had told myself every lie in the book about my addiction. I only smoked on occasion, but during particularly stressful times I might smoke about three cigarettes a day. Certainly not much by any stretch of the imagination, but after fifteen years of smoking I was starting to feel the effects. I was losing my breather more easily and I was starting to cough. What really bothered me is that I kept saying I was going to quit and that it would be easy, but time after time I went right back to smoking when times got stressful.
I realized that I was not in control of smoking cigarettes, they were controlling me. Everytime I had a bad day or something went wrong I told myself I would quit tomorrow, when things got better. I finally realized that life was never going to stop having it's challenges. I had to quit. I have been doing much better recently. I can go several days without smoking, and I feel much stronger than I used to. I feel motivated because I know I did succesfully quit for almost two months (then I relapsed). Still, going two months without smoking, facing the temptations and not giving in, empowered me.
Surprisingly, with the new year coming, quitting smoking is not high on my list of resolutions. While quitting is so important, there are so many other areas of my life that need improvement. There are aspects of my personality that need a lot of help. I won't write a tell-all here about all the things I do wrong and all the mistakes I make, but suffice it to say, I am far from being perfected. What matters more to me than quitting is getting my inside in order. Getting control of all those ruinous human emotions like anger and jealousy are more pressing issues for me.
I still haven't made my resolution list up yet, but I am sure it will mimic closely the lists from years past. I don't take the list seriously, rather I use it as a guiding light for areas I want to improve. I don't know what your list will look like or if you will have one at all, but I sure hope you fare well. The good news is that where we fall short or where we miss the mark altogether, God will be there to pick up the slack. I am a firm believer that if we take one step, God will take three. May this Christmas season and new year be filled with many blessings from the one true and living God, Jesus Christ.
I realized that I was not in control of smoking cigarettes, they were controlling me. Everytime I had a bad day or something went wrong I told myself I would quit tomorrow, when things got better. I finally realized that life was never going to stop having it's challenges. I had to quit. I have been doing much better recently. I can go several days without smoking, and I feel much stronger than I used to. I feel motivated because I know I did succesfully quit for almost two months (then I relapsed). Still, going two months without smoking, facing the temptations and not giving in, empowered me.
Surprisingly, with the new year coming, quitting smoking is not high on my list of resolutions. While quitting is so important, there are so many other areas of my life that need improvement. There are aspects of my personality that need a lot of help. I won't write a tell-all here about all the things I do wrong and all the mistakes I make, but suffice it to say, I am far from being perfected. What matters more to me than quitting is getting my inside in order. Getting control of all those ruinous human emotions like anger and jealousy are more pressing issues for me.
I still haven't made my resolution list up yet, but I am sure it will mimic closely the lists from years past. I don't take the list seriously, rather I use it as a guiding light for areas I want to improve. I don't know what your list will look like or if you will have one at all, but I sure hope you fare well. The good news is that where we fall short or where we miss the mark altogether, God will be there to pick up the slack. I am a firm believer that if we take one step, God will take three. May this Christmas season and new year be filled with many blessings from the one true and living God, Jesus Christ.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Fasting for Change
It's been a while but I am glad to be back. Things have cooled off at school for the time being and for a week or two I might be able to just breathe and relax. A wonderful thing has occurred in the last three days and I am so excited. For about the last three or four months my husband and I have been having a few issues. These issues were so unlike anything we had been through before. For all the years I have known my husband we have argued rarely. I could count on one hand the times we had got into it. Sure we had rough times but things always smoothed over in a day or two. This time however, I felt like we were stuck in a hard, dark place; a place we were not familiar with.
The trouble began one day when my sister came over. She and her husband have always had difficulty in their relationships and have been through things one could not even imagine. That day we prayed together about her marriage, and she left feeling better. Little was I to know that whatever had been plaguing her marriage, now felt it necessary to plague mine. Perhaps some unseen force was upset that our prayer had altered it's plans in some way. Whatever the case may have been, things went downhill in my own marriage almost immediately.
I prayed and begged but nothing seemed to change. Although my husband insisted otherwise, I could feel that something had changed in our relationship. I felt distant, he felt angry. When I tried to talk to him about our issues I felt I was hitting a road block. Prayer was not working. The other night I finally admitted that the scale of this spiritual attack warranted more than prayer, it was time to fast. You may recall the story in the Bible when the apostles asked Jesus why they could not cure a boy who was apparently under a demonic attack. (Mark 9:14-29) Jesus said that the particular spirit could only come out by prayer and fasting.
Now I am no pro at fasting. In fact, this one has gotten off to a lame start. I've been sneaking bites, and still haven't decided if it is a fruit & vegetable fast, a "don't eat until six" fast, or something completely different. What I do know is that it is only day three and already the atmosphere has changed. My husband has been behaving differently, and I have been responding differently. For the first time in months things feel normal. I am not nervous or worried. I feel at peace. It could just be a placebo effect of course, but I happen to believe that the devil gets scared when people start to pray and fast. I also happen to believe that when the devil wants to attack a marriage he is going to pull out the big guns and stop at nothing to destroy it. If the devil is fighting so hard, shouldn't I? I decided to fight fire with fire. I pulled out my first weapon which is my faith in Christ. I pulled out my second weapon, which is prayer. Finally, I pulled out the biggest weapon I have-fasting.
Obviously, things still have the potential to go astray. This is only day three. Who is to say what will happen tomorrow or next week? For the first time in a long time though, I feel very encouraged. I am no fool. I realize the devil is not going to give up easily. His whole purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy and nothing makes him happier than to destroy the marriage that God has put together. I hope when this fast is over he will realize that I am not giving up without a fight. I believe that the Kingdom of God suffers violence and the violent take it by force. Wish me luckk in this battle.
The trouble began one day when my sister came over. She and her husband have always had difficulty in their relationships and have been through things one could not even imagine. That day we prayed together about her marriage, and she left feeling better. Little was I to know that whatever had been plaguing her marriage, now felt it necessary to plague mine. Perhaps some unseen force was upset that our prayer had altered it's plans in some way. Whatever the case may have been, things went downhill in my own marriage almost immediately.
I prayed and begged but nothing seemed to change. Although my husband insisted otherwise, I could feel that something had changed in our relationship. I felt distant, he felt angry. When I tried to talk to him about our issues I felt I was hitting a road block. Prayer was not working. The other night I finally admitted that the scale of this spiritual attack warranted more than prayer, it was time to fast. You may recall the story in the Bible when the apostles asked Jesus why they could not cure a boy who was apparently under a demonic attack. (Mark 9:14-29) Jesus said that the particular spirit could only come out by prayer and fasting.
Now I am no pro at fasting. In fact, this one has gotten off to a lame start. I've been sneaking bites, and still haven't decided if it is a fruit & vegetable fast, a "don't eat until six" fast, or something completely different. What I do know is that it is only day three and already the atmosphere has changed. My husband has been behaving differently, and I have been responding differently. For the first time in months things feel normal. I am not nervous or worried. I feel at peace. It could just be a placebo effect of course, but I happen to believe that the devil gets scared when people start to pray and fast. I also happen to believe that when the devil wants to attack a marriage he is going to pull out the big guns and stop at nothing to destroy it. If the devil is fighting so hard, shouldn't I? I decided to fight fire with fire. I pulled out my first weapon which is my faith in Christ. I pulled out my second weapon, which is prayer. Finally, I pulled out the biggest weapon I have-fasting.
Obviously, things still have the potential to go astray. This is only day three. Who is to say what will happen tomorrow or next week? For the first time in a long time though, I feel very encouraged. I am no fool. I realize the devil is not going to give up easily. His whole purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy and nothing makes him happier than to destroy the marriage that God has put together. I hope when this fast is over he will realize that I am not giving up without a fight. I believe that the Kingdom of God suffers violence and the violent take it by force. Wish me luckk in this battle.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Bishop Eddie Long
My first question is this: Should we really be surprised? First off, I am not a big fan of mega churches and mega rich pastors. If the news were that he had ripped his congregation out of millions of dollars, I would not have batted an eye. I would have expected it. Undoubtedly, this news did come as a big surprise. Bishop Eddie Long, gay? Hold up, let's rewind. I have watched the Bishop on tv in the past, and he looked like a macho man to me. He didn't seem effeminate at all, I mean, he's married for God's sake!
I don't want to jump conclusions. There is a chance (though slim) that this is merely a publicity stunt, or a way to make some quick cash. Word has it that the accusers do not have pristine track records. The silence from Eddie, however, is definitely adding fuel to the fire, and raising more than a few eyebrows. Where are you Eddie? We are waiting for you to state your case. Hiding away, trying to get your story together, is making you look very bad.
The biggest question, if these allegations prove to be true, is where does this leave the church now? I'm not talking about the black church or the white church, but the Whole church? We live in a time when people are losing faith in Christianity and Christian people. We are ridiculed, reviled, and made to feel like hatemongers because we have morals and are not (most of us anyhow) concerned with political correctness. In general, we aren't liked or respected very much. I have to say, considering the state of our churches, and the people who are supposed to be our leaders, I can't blame non-Christians for not holding us in high esteem.
Pastors with mega churches plopped in the middle of poverty and ghettos give the church a bad name. Pastors with mega mansions, who have a congregation of poor and needy people are open game to jokes and ridicule. I know, I know...God wants to bless us, God wants to give us our hearts desire, but does the Bible not say, "Give me neither poverty, nor riches-feed me with the food allotted me." Proverbs 30:8? I truly believe God wants to bless us, but I think too many people are concerned with monetary blessings and not spiritual blessings. Mega pastors perpetuate the myth that church leaders are sneaky, insincere, money grubbing frauds. So I ask again, where does this leave the church?
If people can't trust pastors, our spiritual leaders, who can they trust? I am not implying that pastors need to be perfect. I am smart enough to not put all my trust in a human, no matter how snazzy a suit they are wearing or how great they are at creating a good sermon. What I do expect is that pastors have the basic components that make a good Christian-compassion, sincerity, moral values, a heart to help the needy, and a yearning to do right by Christ. Minor misgivings, like smoking a cigarette or having the occasional drink are expected, but running around making babies with someone you aren't married to, or having homosexual sex? Get real! If you know you aren't living a decent Christian life than get off your high horse, and turn the church over to someone who hasn't been poisoned by greed and the need to be admired by people.
You know, I think these leaders start off with the best of intentions, I really do. I think they start off with a desire to serve God and do his work. But something happens when a church starts to grow and multiply. When a person looks out at his congregation and sees the rows filling up week after week, when the church has to keep expanding to keep up with the hungry souls who are flocking in, this does something to a church leader. Somewhere along the line, they lose sight of the reason they became pastors. They begin to like the admiration, the flocks of people looking up to them. They become full of pride as people come to them for help with their problems, or when people are eager and desperate to be in their presence. As the money rolls in they might start thinking, "Hey, I kind of like this. Him, God wants me to be wealthy!" And so the fall begins.
Only time will tell if the serious allegations against Bishop Eddie Long are true. Even if they prove to be false, I think the church as a whole needs to take this as a lesson. Members of churches must stop lifting pastors onto pedestals. They must have the wool ripped from their eyes. They must stop giving away their money, without asking for accountability. It doesn't make you a bad Christian if you want to know what your tithe money is being used for. It doesn't make you a bad Christian if you find something odd about a pastor having a jet plane or charging people to come see him preach. We need to come back to Christ, the author and finisher of our faith. Bless those pastors and preachers who are doing the work of God faithfully, and for all the others, I hope God forgives you for deceiving His people.
I don't want to jump conclusions. There is a chance (though slim) that this is merely a publicity stunt, or a way to make some quick cash. Word has it that the accusers do not have pristine track records. The silence from Eddie, however, is definitely adding fuel to the fire, and raising more than a few eyebrows. Where are you Eddie? We are waiting for you to state your case. Hiding away, trying to get your story together, is making you look very bad.
The biggest question, if these allegations prove to be true, is where does this leave the church now? I'm not talking about the black church or the white church, but the Whole church? We live in a time when people are losing faith in Christianity and Christian people. We are ridiculed, reviled, and made to feel like hatemongers because we have morals and are not (most of us anyhow) concerned with political correctness. In general, we aren't liked or respected very much. I have to say, considering the state of our churches, and the people who are supposed to be our leaders, I can't blame non-Christians for not holding us in high esteem.
Pastors with mega churches plopped in the middle of poverty and ghettos give the church a bad name. Pastors with mega mansions, who have a congregation of poor and needy people are open game to jokes and ridicule. I know, I know...God wants to bless us, God wants to give us our hearts desire, but does the Bible not say, "Give me neither poverty, nor riches-feed me with the food allotted me." Proverbs 30:8? I truly believe God wants to bless us, but I think too many people are concerned with monetary blessings and not spiritual blessings. Mega pastors perpetuate the myth that church leaders are sneaky, insincere, money grubbing frauds. So I ask again, where does this leave the church?
If people can't trust pastors, our spiritual leaders, who can they trust? I am not implying that pastors need to be perfect. I am smart enough to not put all my trust in a human, no matter how snazzy a suit they are wearing or how great they are at creating a good sermon. What I do expect is that pastors have the basic components that make a good Christian-compassion, sincerity, moral values, a heart to help the needy, and a yearning to do right by Christ. Minor misgivings, like smoking a cigarette or having the occasional drink are expected, but running around making babies with someone you aren't married to, or having homosexual sex? Get real! If you know you aren't living a decent Christian life than get off your high horse, and turn the church over to someone who hasn't been poisoned by greed and the need to be admired by people.
You know, I think these leaders start off with the best of intentions, I really do. I think they start off with a desire to serve God and do his work. But something happens when a church starts to grow and multiply. When a person looks out at his congregation and sees the rows filling up week after week, when the church has to keep expanding to keep up with the hungry souls who are flocking in, this does something to a church leader. Somewhere along the line, they lose sight of the reason they became pastors. They begin to like the admiration, the flocks of people looking up to them. They become full of pride as people come to them for help with their problems, or when people are eager and desperate to be in their presence. As the money rolls in they might start thinking, "Hey, I kind of like this. Him, God wants me to be wealthy!" And so the fall begins.
Only time will tell if the serious allegations against Bishop Eddie Long are true. Even if they prove to be false, I think the church as a whole needs to take this as a lesson. Members of churches must stop lifting pastors onto pedestals. They must have the wool ripped from their eyes. They must stop giving away their money, without asking for accountability. It doesn't make you a bad Christian if you want to know what your tithe money is being used for. It doesn't make you a bad Christian if you find something odd about a pastor having a jet plane or charging people to come see him preach. We need to come back to Christ, the author and finisher of our faith. Bless those pastors and preachers who are doing the work of God faithfully, and for all the others, I hope God forgives you for deceiving His people.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
God in a busy world
Lately I have been so confused about what direction to take in my life. Having begun school again, full time, I am feeling a lot of pressure and stress. I feel like I am pulled in two different directions. There is a part of me that wants to finish school, by any means necessary. There is another part of me that wants the instant gratification, the side of me that wants to sleep in and spend my time doing fun things, not reading boring books for school. That same side of me knows that if I wasn't investing so much time on school and school related activities, I could get a second job or a better job, and have more income.
I want my children to see me succeed. I want them to see that despite the fact we live in a very poor city, where most of the people barely graduate high school, that a person can beat the odds. Getting a degree would obviously mean more money, but then there are different ways to get more money that do not involve hour upon hour of sitting in classes and getting lectured. What is the real motivation, I wonder? The motivation is what puzzles me. If I don't know why I am getting a degree, or if the motivation seems superficial, than why am I still pursuing it after so many years?
This is where God comes in, or where He should come in anyway. I admit, my relationship with the Lord has not been what it was a few years ago, or what it could be if I put forth a little more effort. Sure, I say a quick prayer on the ride to work, and every now and then, if I am feeling very energized, I might even spend fifteen minutes reading the Bible and talking to God. For the most part though, my efforts to get to know God on an intimate level again, have been lacking. Not having God be a constant part of my daily life has affected me greatly, yet I still find that I am stuck.
There was a time, before I got married, when God was my all. I was a single mother of two with a very low income. I had no choice but to turn to God and trust in Him to provide for me and my children. During this time I spent hours praying, I devoted so much time to getting to know God and fixing myself. I got to know God in an intimate way that many people never bother to pursue. Even though money was tight and oftentimes things seemed to be falling apart, during this time I had utter faith that God would come through-and He did, time and time again.
I long for those days when my faith took me places the physical realm would not. I long for the days when I had peace, no matter what was going on around me, when I had a constant reassurance that things would turn out okay. It's not that I no longer believe God, but rather that the faith I have now is diluted a bit, watered down with the cares of this world. When God was number one, I didn't spend hours debating if a choice I was making or thinking to make was the correct choice. I would pray about it, ask God for guidance, He would lead me and there would be peace. I knew the decisions I was making were the right ones. Now however, I feel all alone when making decisions. I am angry because I know that if I spent time talking to God, He would lead me in the right direction. He would tell me if I was pursuing a degree for the wrong reasons. He wouldn't sugarcoat things. He would give it to me straight. But since I have chosen to keep God on a backburner, I have to stumble around in the dark, desperately seeking the answers I want.
Once you have had an encounter with God, you will never be the same. Being on an intimate level with God, and then not having that relationship to hold on to anymore is devestating. I know God loves me, nothing will ever shake that belief, but instead of being a close companion like He once was in my life, he is more of an associate I wave to on my way to get coffee in the morning. "Hey God, how are ya today?" He waves, and I keep on walking by. I don't stay and chat with Him. I don't pull out a chair and sit with Him over coffee. I don't tell Him how things are sucking in my life right now, and how I'm aimlessly grasping at the wind. I don't tell Him how empty life has been since I walked away from Him four years ago. No. I wave casually and then rush to my office cubicle, hoping He won't follow me inside.
I know God wants a relationship with me, and I desperately want one with Him, but my sneaking suspicion is that the very bad thing I did four years ago, is keeping me from entering into a relationship with Him again. Yeah, I screwed up pretty bad four years ago, and it totally blew my relationship with God off course. I could have gotten up from that bad situation, brushed myself off, repented, and kept the momentum of our relationship going, but instead I allowed my sin to drive a wedge between us. Things have never been the same.
I need God. My heart longs for Him. My soul cries out for Him. I feel like a lonely wanderer on this earth. I love my husband and my family, but nothing compares to Jesus, nothing ever will. My marriage has changed, I feel it in the atmosphere. I need God to intervene, but I won't take the time to talk to Him. I am at a crossroads in my life about whether to continue with my education or pursue other dreams I have, but I have no compass to point me in the right direction. If I prayed earnestly, if I got off the computer, turned off the tv, prayed and waited for an answer, I know I would have peace. I know the thunderings, and the things that are bubbling in my marriage would be calm. I could have peace and rest...but I choose a different route. A route of procrastination. The route that allows for idle time and passionless pursuits. The route of media overload that numbs my senses to what I am missing out on. It is the easy route. On this route I don't have to bare myself to God, I don't have to face the past four years and the mistakes I have made. I can put it off for another day and hope that God doesn't choose this day to return...because then He would find me unprepared.
I don't know where you are in your walk with God, or if you even believe in Him at all, but I know we share a common thread of hoping for the future. Do we not all have hopes, dreams we aspire to, great aspirations for our children? We do. What I know is that these aspirations mean nothing if my relationship with Christ is not correct. One day (maybe) I will walk across the stage and accept my Masters degree in social work. One day, I will have the house in a nice neighborhood, a neighborhood where children have more than empty cans and trash to play with. One day I will have the nice car, and all the nice things that money can buy, but if I don't have God, if I only have a fraction of Him in my life, than it is worthless. It has no meaning. Life has no meaning without Him. Direction for my life is what I need at this moment in time, but meaning for my life is the ultimate goal. I hope one day I will get there.
I want my children to see me succeed. I want them to see that despite the fact we live in a very poor city, where most of the people barely graduate high school, that a person can beat the odds. Getting a degree would obviously mean more money, but then there are different ways to get more money that do not involve hour upon hour of sitting in classes and getting lectured. What is the real motivation, I wonder? The motivation is what puzzles me. If I don't know why I am getting a degree, or if the motivation seems superficial, than why am I still pursuing it after so many years?
This is where God comes in, or where He should come in anyway. I admit, my relationship with the Lord has not been what it was a few years ago, or what it could be if I put forth a little more effort. Sure, I say a quick prayer on the ride to work, and every now and then, if I am feeling very energized, I might even spend fifteen minutes reading the Bible and talking to God. For the most part though, my efforts to get to know God on an intimate level again, have been lacking. Not having God be a constant part of my daily life has affected me greatly, yet I still find that I am stuck.
There was a time, before I got married, when God was my all. I was a single mother of two with a very low income. I had no choice but to turn to God and trust in Him to provide for me and my children. During this time I spent hours praying, I devoted so much time to getting to know God and fixing myself. I got to know God in an intimate way that many people never bother to pursue. Even though money was tight and oftentimes things seemed to be falling apart, during this time I had utter faith that God would come through-and He did, time and time again.
I long for those days when my faith took me places the physical realm would not. I long for the days when I had peace, no matter what was going on around me, when I had a constant reassurance that things would turn out okay. It's not that I no longer believe God, but rather that the faith I have now is diluted a bit, watered down with the cares of this world. When God was number one, I didn't spend hours debating if a choice I was making or thinking to make was the correct choice. I would pray about it, ask God for guidance, He would lead me and there would be peace. I knew the decisions I was making were the right ones. Now however, I feel all alone when making decisions. I am angry because I know that if I spent time talking to God, He would lead me in the right direction. He would tell me if I was pursuing a degree for the wrong reasons. He wouldn't sugarcoat things. He would give it to me straight. But since I have chosen to keep God on a backburner, I have to stumble around in the dark, desperately seeking the answers I want.
Once you have had an encounter with God, you will never be the same. Being on an intimate level with God, and then not having that relationship to hold on to anymore is devestating. I know God loves me, nothing will ever shake that belief, but instead of being a close companion like He once was in my life, he is more of an associate I wave to on my way to get coffee in the morning. "Hey God, how are ya today?" He waves, and I keep on walking by. I don't stay and chat with Him. I don't pull out a chair and sit with Him over coffee. I don't tell Him how things are sucking in my life right now, and how I'm aimlessly grasping at the wind. I don't tell Him how empty life has been since I walked away from Him four years ago. No. I wave casually and then rush to my office cubicle, hoping He won't follow me inside.
I know God wants a relationship with me, and I desperately want one with Him, but my sneaking suspicion is that the very bad thing I did four years ago, is keeping me from entering into a relationship with Him again. Yeah, I screwed up pretty bad four years ago, and it totally blew my relationship with God off course. I could have gotten up from that bad situation, brushed myself off, repented, and kept the momentum of our relationship going, but instead I allowed my sin to drive a wedge between us. Things have never been the same.
I need God. My heart longs for Him. My soul cries out for Him. I feel like a lonely wanderer on this earth. I love my husband and my family, but nothing compares to Jesus, nothing ever will. My marriage has changed, I feel it in the atmosphere. I need God to intervene, but I won't take the time to talk to Him. I am at a crossroads in my life about whether to continue with my education or pursue other dreams I have, but I have no compass to point me in the right direction. If I prayed earnestly, if I got off the computer, turned off the tv, prayed and waited for an answer, I know I would have peace. I know the thunderings, and the things that are bubbling in my marriage would be calm. I could have peace and rest...but I choose a different route. A route of procrastination. The route that allows for idle time and passionless pursuits. The route of media overload that numbs my senses to what I am missing out on. It is the easy route. On this route I don't have to bare myself to God, I don't have to face the past four years and the mistakes I have made. I can put it off for another day and hope that God doesn't choose this day to return...because then He would find me unprepared.
I don't know where you are in your walk with God, or if you even believe in Him at all, but I know we share a common thread of hoping for the future. Do we not all have hopes, dreams we aspire to, great aspirations for our children? We do. What I know is that these aspirations mean nothing if my relationship with Christ is not correct. One day (maybe) I will walk across the stage and accept my Masters degree in social work. One day, I will have the house in a nice neighborhood, a neighborhood where children have more than empty cans and trash to play with. One day I will have the nice car, and all the nice things that money can buy, but if I don't have God, if I only have a fraction of Him in my life, than it is worthless. It has no meaning. Life has no meaning without Him. Direction for my life is what I need at this moment in time, but meaning for my life is the ultimate goal. I hope one day I will get there.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Happy Anniversary
Today is my three year wedding anniversary. Perhaps I am still in newlywed stage, but I must tell you this marriage thing has been pretty easy. Yes, we have had some bad days. We have argued. We have disagreed. But for the most part, my marriage has been a true blessing, and my husband, the greatest gift. This is a far cry from what we hear on television. Watching the newest prime time comedy, one would think marriage was a joke, too difficult for anyone to partake of with ease. For some people, particularly those who did not think it through before taking the plunge, marriage can be a hassle, but when you have a marriage that is centered on God, things become a little easier.
We didn't do anything major. There were no cards or flowers, but I woke up next to my husband and that is enough. Some women get caught up in the romance and presents. These are nice, but I prefer love on a consistent, everyday basis. I don't want to be treated like garbage every other day of the year and be surprised with roses on my anniversary. The roses would mean nothing. They would wither away. But love that is true, and consistent is never out of bloom. For all those basking in the glow of true love, congratulations, and may God bless you with many more.
We didn't do anything major. There were no cards or flowers, but I woke up next to my husband and that is enough. Some women get caught up in the romance and presents. These are nice, but I prefer love on a consistent, everyday basis. I don't want to be treated like garbage every other day of the year and be surprised with roses on my anniversary. The roses would mean nothing. They would wither away. But love that is true, and consistent is never out of bloom. For all those basking in the glow of true love, congratulations, and may God bless you with many more.
Monday, August 30, 2010
The Blended Family-Always a Pessimist
So I never intended for this to be a place of constant negativity. After having a bad day I'm sure you don't want to come here and hear about my bad day. Since I have no friends and no one to vent to, it happens that this has become the place where I lay out my frustrations. My frustrations come from many sources as of late. For about a year prior to this I was coasting. Life was great. Things were looking up. I knew to enjoy it because I knew it would not last. Alas, it came to pass that things are looking down now and have been for the last few months.
It began a few months ago. My husband and I rarely argue; we discuss. The last few months have been quite different. Arguments are springing up out of nowhere, mostly about nonsense. It's funny that once the arguing starts, you get angry, and then you react to everything in the worst way. The winds of change have come and the last two weeks have been good on the marriage scene. But the kids? Well, that's a different story.
In my home it is impossible for all three children to be on their best behavior at the same time. When one is behaving and being angelic, the other must compensate by being a jerk. Sulking, back talking, eye rolling...all those annoying little bad habits. It's bad enough I have to deal with it, it gets worse when my husband has to witness it. Why? Well, because like most people he and I have slightly different philosophies about how children should be raised and how and when they should be disciplined. I often find myself wondering if I am handling the situation the right way.
The blended family is very difficult. God knows how our marriage has coasted along so smoothly considering that fact. There are times when things get sticky. When his son from a prior relationship comes to visit for the summer it throws the household in a roar for a few days, until everyone gets adjusted again. When my son rolls his eyes at my husband things get strained. I am always in the middle and that is always an uncomfortable position to be in.
I expect my child to respect my husband. I would love it so much if their relationship was always smooth but things just don't work out that way. I feel like it is always a power struggle between them and it annoys me. I wonder if my son will one day look back and consider how fortunate he was to have a step dad who filled in the gap for his father, and I wonder if my husband will ever look back and think how great it was to have a son to fill in the gap when his other son wasn't around. Until that day I suppose I will find myself quite often playing the role of referee and mediator. It's a tough job but someone's got to do it.
It began a few months ago. My husband and I rarely argue; we discuss. The last few months have been quite different. Arguments are springing up out of nowhere, mostly about nonsense. It's funny that once the arguing starts, you get angry, and then you react to everything in the worst way. The winds of change have come and the last two weeks have been good on the marriage scene. But the kids? Well, that's a different story.
In my home it is impossible for all three children to be on their best behavior at the same time. When one is behaving and being angelic, the other must compensate by being a jerk. Sulking, back talking, eye rolling...all those annoying little bad habits. It's bad enough I have to deal with it, it gets worse when my husband has to witness it. Why? Well, because like most people he and I have slightly different philosophies about how children should be raised and how and when they should be disciplined. I often find myself wondering if I am handling the situation the right way.
The blended family is very difficult. God knows how our marriage has coasted along so smoothly considering that fact. There are times when things get sticky. When his son from a prior relationship comes to visit for the summer it throws the household in a roar for a few days, until everyone gets adjusted again. When my son rolls his eyes at my husband things get strained. I am always in the middle and that is always an uncomfortable position to be in.
I expect my child to respect my husband. I would love it so much if their relationship was always smooth but things just don't work out that way. I feel like it is always a power struggle between them and it annoys me. I wonder if my son will one day look back and consider how fortunate he was to have a step dad who filled in the gap for his father, and I wonder if my husband will ever look back and think how great it was to have a son to fill in the gap when his other son wasn't around. Until that day I suppose I will find myself quite often playing the role of referee and mediator. It's a tough job but someone's got to do it.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Ungrateful Children
It finally hit me, my children are ungrateful. Yes, I said it. I have had an inkling of this for some time but I was hopeful that I was just overreacting. They haven't always been this way. When they were younger they were happy to go to a restaurant as a treat or to get a buck or two for spending. As they have gotten older, little treats like this have lost their luster.
On our trip to the beach the other day my two older children bickered and argued almost the whole way there. It had something to do with my daughter singing, and her older brother wanting to put a muzzle on her. I warned, I glared, I almost undid my seatbelt and jumped into the back seat for a good old-fashioned smack down. Instead, the temperature inside me rose to degrees unseen in a human before. The best was yet to come.
Once on the beach, my older son, sunk into the sand and showed no interest in getting in the ocean. This didn't deter me from having a good time. I decided long ago that one monkey doesn't stop a show. If he wanted to sit and sulk, I was fine with that, but I wasn't going to let him ruin my time. On the way back, as my husband and I discussed an upcoming solo trip he and I were taking, my step son mumbled under his breath about how we only take them to the beach and never to a hotel with a pool ( a lie). Even if it had been the truth I still find it hard to understand how our children became so ungrateful.
When I was younger and my mother was on welfare, our idea of an awesome treat was going to the diner once a month for a cheap meal. Now, going to a restaurant is no biggie. My children expect it. It holds no value to them. I want the best for my children. I am working hard to make sure they have a better future. But I have to wonder if my quest to give them better has succeeded in turning them into spoiled brats. To their credit, they don't have tantrums in the store if they can't get what they want, and their Christmas list's are void of the newest electonic gadget, but overall I can tell that the small things in life do not hold much of a thrill to them. It's sad because it flies in the face of all that I hold to be true...that life is not about what we have but how we live it. If they can't enjoy a day at the beach now, how will they enjoy it when bills and responsibilities consume most of their time?
After this eye opening adventure I have decided some things need to change. A coworker approached me with coupons to an indoor waterpark. I didn't even raise an eyebrow. "No thank you. My children are ungrateful", was my reply. I still haven't come up with the solution to this problem, but I have a way of coming up with ingenious ways of getting my point across. In the meantime, I am planning a trip with my husband to celebrate our anniversary. As I soak in the hot tub, and swim a few laps in the pool my mind will be free of the nagging voice of guilt that usually says the kids should be here enjoying this too. Nope, not this time. They had their chance and they blew it. Now it's my turn.
On our trip to the beach the other day my two older children bickered and argued almost the whole way there. It had something to do with my daughter singing, and her older brother wanting to put a muzzle on her. I warned, I glared, I almost undid my seatbelt and jumped into the back seat for a good old-fashioned smack down. Instead, the temperature inside me rose to degrees unseen in a human before. The best was yet to come.
Once on the beach, my older son, sunk into the sand and showed no interest in getting in the ocean. This didn't deter me from having a good time. I decided long ago that one monkey doesn't stop a show. If he wanted to sit and sulk, I was fine with that, but I wasn't going to let him ruin my time. On the way back, as my husband and I discussed an upcoming solo trip he and I were taking, my step son mumbled under his breath about how we only take them to the beach and never to a hotel with a pool ( a lie). Even if it had been the truth I still find it hard to understand how our children became so ungrateful.
When I was younger and my mother was on welfare, our idea of an awesome treat was going to the diner once a month for a cheap meal. Now, going to a restaurant is no biggie. My children expect it. It holds no value to them. I want the best for my children. I am working hard to make sure they have a better future. But I have to wonder if my quest to give them better has succeeded in turning them into spoiled brats. To their credit, they don't have tantrums in the store if they can't get what they want, and their Christmas list's are void of the newest electonic gadget, but overall I can tell that the small things in life do not hold much of a thrill to them. It's sad because it flies in the face of all that I hold to be true...that life is not about what we have but how we live it. If they can't enjoy a day at the beach now, how will they enjoy it when bills and responsibilities consume most of their time?
After this eye opening adventure I have decided some things need to change. A coworker approached me with coupons to an indoor waterpark. I didn't even raise an eyebrow. "No thank you. My children are ungrateful", was my reply. I still haven't come up with the solution to this problem, but I have a way of coming up with ingenious ways of getting my point across. In the meantime, I am planning a trip with my husband to celebrate our anniversary. As I soak in the hot tub, and swim a few laps in the pool my mind will be free of the nagging voice of guilt that usually says the kids should be here enjoying this too. Nope, not this time. They had their chance and they blew it. Now it's my turn.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Struggling Sister and a Helping hand
My sister and I don't have the greatest relationship. This is a far cry from when we were younger. Back then we could play with barbies for hours on end. Mom had to remind us to come eat. Now, though she lives just a few blocks away from me we rarely have time to talk, or should I say, we really don't have much to talk about. My sister and I have a few similarities but mostly we are very different. Our outlooks on life are completely different. The last time we got together the conversation was so awkward I could hear a pin drop. It really upsets me that we aren't closer. It has to do in part with all the drama in her life. I really can't bear to hear the newest sad story, or all the gory details of her most recent argument with her husband.
Still, she needs help...and I know she does because God told me (cue crazy Christian talk). Well, you know what I mean. No, I didn't see God this morning. I didn't give him pointers on what color suit He should wear. I didn't hear Him audibly. I heard Him in my heart. It's a feeling...a nagging feeling. Since God and I aren't as close as we once were I'm not always positive when it's Him speaking or just my own grandiose ideas. So now what I've learned to do is wait a few days. I have grandiose ideas on a regular basis..open up a homeless shelter, fly to India and as a missionary, start a huge petition to outlaw liquor in the ghettos, etc, etc. These thoughts come and go. On the other hand, when God tells me to do something the thought doesn't go away. In fact, if I ignore it it gets stronger and stronger, and naggier and naggier ( naggier: adj, def. very nagging) So for the past week I've had the nagging feeling that my sister could use a few dollars. I am happy to oblige. I call it, "paying it forward". Once, when I was very broke and not above standing in church lines to get government food, my mom gave me a gift card to the grocery store. This was the first time in my adult life that she gave financial assistance. She did it because God told her to do it, and now I am the giver and not the reciever.
I don't tell this story to ring my own bell. It's the web. I am delightfully anonymous. I tell it just as a reminder that God is still at work today. If we listen closely we can hear His voice. Even a sinner like me can hear His voice. He is the Shepherd and I am the sheep, and because of this I know His voice. His voice has gotten fainter because I don't devote the time I should to talking with Him. There was a time, when I was single and struggling that God was my absolute everything. I talked to Him in the morning and at night. It wasn't uncommon for me to spend an hour or two just praying. During these days, His voice was loud and clear. Our relationship grew so close. Now, though I have walked a little further away from Him I am still grateful for that time of bonding. I know I will never turn away from Him completely.
Just being further from Him has done enough. I'm angry, unsettled, mean as a rattlesnake at times, and unapologetic. Please don't ever think from my posts that I'm a saint. Trust me, you'll catch me on a bad day and you won't believe I'm the same person. I don't like being this way, and even when my relationship with the Lord was in tip-top shape I can't say I was ever free from all these icky personality faults. With Him though, they were a little more controlled. I could more easily control my temper, I tried harder not to be mean, I only honked my horn once at old men who were doing 15 in a 40 lane and keeping me from my destination. Alas, things have gone downhill but what I am grateful for is that I know God is still waiting for me. He's not going anywhere. He's not tapping His foot impatiently. Hopefully, I'll run back to His open arms sooner rather than later.-Modesty
Still, she needs help...and I know she does because God told me (cue crazy Christian talk). Well, you know what I mean. No, I didn't see God this morning. I didn't give him pointers on what color suit He should wear. I didn't hear Him audibly. I heard Him in my heart. It's a feeling...a nagging feeling. Since God and I aren't as close as we once were I'm not always positive when it's Him speaking or just my own grandiose ideas. So now what I've learned to do is wait a few days. I have grandiose ideas on a regular basis..open up a homeless shelter, fly to India and as a missionary, start a huge petition to outlaw liquor in the ghettos, etc, etc. These thoughts come and go. On the other hand, when God tells me to do something the thought doesn't go away. In fact, if I ignore it it gets stronger and stronger, and naggier and naggier ( naggier: adj, def. very nagging) So for the past week I've had the nagging feeling that my sister could use a few dollars. I am happy to oblige. I call it, "paying it forward". Once, when I was very broke and not above standing in church lines to get government food, my mom gave me a gift card to the grocery store. This was the first time in my adult life that she gave financial assistance. She did it because God told her to do it, and now I am the giver and not the reciever.
I don't tell this story to ring my own bell. It's the web. I am delightfully anonymous. I tell it just as a reminder that God is still at work today. If we listen closely we can hear His voice. Even a sinner like me can hear His voice. He is the Shepherd and I am the sheep, and because of this I know His voice. His voice has gotten fainter because I don't devote the time I should to talking with Him. There was a time, when I was single and struggling that God was my absolute everything. I talked to Him in the morning and at night. It wasn't uncommon for me to spend an hour or two just praying. During these days, His voice was loud and clear. Our relationship grew so close. Now, though I have walked a little further away from Him I am still grateful for that time of bonding. I know I will never turn away from Him completely.
Just being further from Him has done enough. I'm angry, unsettled, mean as a rattlesnake at times, and unapologetic. Please don't ever think from my posts that I'm a saint. Trust me, you'll catch me on a bad day and you won't believe I'm the same person. I don't like being this way, and even when my relationship with the Lord was in tip-top shape I can't say I was ever free from all these icky personality faults. With Him though, they were a little more controlled. I could more easily control my temper, I tried harder not to be mean, I only honked my horn once at old men who were doing 15 in a 40 lane and keeping me from my destination. Alas, things have gone downhill but what I am grateful for is that I know God is still waiting for me. He's not going anywhere. He's not tapping His foot impatiently. Hopefully, I'll run back to His open arms sooner rather than later.-Modesty
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Pity Party
Most days I am content with what I have. I don't have much and most of the time I don't expect much. Every now and then though, like days when my account has a zero balance, I start thinking about all the things I don't have and why I don't have them. So what happened is that in the last two months I got hit with about $40 in fees from the bank. Normally I'm really on point with my account but because of a few mistakes I was out $40. Now, for lots of people 40 is not much, but for me it is. This is where the sadness comes in. Today I am throwing a pity party. Not so much because I lost $40 that could have been used for something else, but because $40 matters at all. Why does $40 matter? If I go to work I should have something to show for it.
I know I shouldn't stress about these things and I try not to. I have an awesome family and I am in pretty good health. I'm saved darnit! That should be enough. The Bible talks about this. How we see people who don't seem to be good people and it seems like they are prospering and flourishing. Yet, here we are saved and we are struggling. Why is that? I pay my tithes, I give to those who are needy, and yet...there always seems to be "just enough", hardly ever "more than enough". I try to keep a positive outlook. I remind myself that I have been through worse days, and worse things. I am a survivor of abuse. There was a time when there was no hope. I was living in the projects at one point. My life has gotten much better. That's not going to prevent me from having a pity party today though. Hey, you're invited if you want to come. If I had any cake left over from yesterday I would bring that and we could all sit around and stuff ourselves, but alas I ate the last piece.
I know I shouldn't stress about these things and I try not to. I have an awesome family and I am in pretty good health. I'm saved darnit! That should be enough. The Bible talks about this. How we see people who don't seem to be good people and it seems like they are prospering and flourishing. Yet, here we are saved and we are struggling. Why is that? I pay my tithes, I give to those who are needy, and yet...there always seems to be "just enough", hardly ever "more than enough". I try to keep a positive outlook. I remind myself that I have been through worse days, and worse things. I am a survivor of abuse. There was a time when there was no hope. I was living in the projects at one point. My life has gotten much better. That's not going to prevent me from having a pity party today though. Hey, you're invited if you want to come. If I had any cake left over from yesterday I would bring that and we could all sit around and stuff ourselves, but alas I ate the last piece.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Just one piece of cake?
Why is it that when I make a cake I can't have just one slice? I have zero willpower. Today I had four, count them, four pieces of chocolate cake with whipped vanilla frosting. If the cake isn't there I don't worry about it, but if it's in the fridge I must consume a gross amount. Now I'm bloated and disgusted. The good news is that I have been trying to eat more fruits and veggies. I recently found out that my husband, who is a little older than I am, has a better cholesterol and glucose reading than myself. If that doesn't motivate me, what will? Sometimes I can be competitive, but most of the time I sulk away in defeat.
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