Would it be wrong if I got a divorce? No, seriously. What I really want to do right now is pack up all my stuff and leave, and go anywhere but in this house. As a matter of fact, I really don't even need to pack up all my stuff, I would be happy to leave with just the clothes on my back if it meant I could actually have some peace. I actually dread coming home, and that's sad. I have been working tons of extra hours at work, not just to make money, but mostly so I don't have to be in this house. How do you do from loving someone with all that is in you, to not even wanting to be around them? That is so, so sad.
My mood fluctuates on almost a daily basis, but this is where I am today: I am so sick and tired of dealing with the drama, the fighting, the petty crap that I want out by any means necessary. I feel like we are prolonging the inevitable, and I am coming to the point where I don't care anymore. Obviously, it would tear me apart if I were to get a divorce from my husband, but at the same time I am envisioning my life prior to meeting him; happy and drama free. This is the trap that we fall into. I hear the serpent in my ear saying, "Did God really say...", and I myself am wondering, "Did God really say I should not get a divorce?"
But why can't I get a divorce? If you marry one person, and a few years later you wind up with someone completely different because they have changed so much, why can't you leave them? I feel like the person I married does not exist anymore. Occasionally I get glimmers of him peeking through this stranger, like when he made me coffee the other day just because...but for the most part, the man I married does not exist anymore. He is not a horrible person, by any stretch of the imagination, but he is not the person I met several years ago. So I find myself asking the Lord, "How much longer, Oh God, must I wait?" Will God move on my marriage and my husband before it is too late, before the word is spoken that cannot be taken back, or the action done that cannot be undone? Or will He sit back and watch us self-destruct? Today, God does not feel near, and it feels like He really does not care if my marriage survives, because if He did, wouldn't He have answered my prayers by now?
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
On Spiritual Gifts and Sponge People
Have you ever thought about what your spiritual gift (SG) is? Do you have any idea what your calling is within the body of God? It is possible that you haven't even thought about it before now. I am reading a book about the SG of prophecy, and this has gotten my mind thinking about all the SG's that God has given us. I happen to be a fortunate one who is pretty sure of what my spiritual gifts are, but I know there are many who are still seeking, and still more who have not even taken the time to consider what they can contribute to the kingdom of God. If you are unsure about what your spiritual gift(s) are, there are quizzes you can find online that will give you a general idea of where your gifts lie.
Once you find out what your gift is it is important to seek opportunities to walk in them. It is also important that you walk in your own gift and not try to be like someone else. When you try to walk in someone else's gift things start getting out of order and you are not doing a service to the kingdom of God. A good way to get an idea of what your gift is, is to look at the things that come to you naturally. Do you love to help the needy? Do you get excited when you tell someone about what Jesus has done for you? Do you daydream about traveling the world and helping people in other countries? These are all clues as to what could be your spiritual gift.
I believe one of my spiritual gifts is the gift of discernment. Now, all Christians should have some level of discernment. In other words, if you are a Christian you should have a basic innate concept of those things that are right and wrong. This means, if you go in a church that is telling you you do not have to treat your neighbor with kindness, the spirit inside you should send off a red flag that something is wrong with the message and you should hightail it out of there. Those who have a spirit of discernment are much more sensitive to those things that are right and wrong. Even very early in my Christian walk I can remember going to different churches and "feeling" upon entering that something was wrong in the church. As my walk with Christ developed I could sometimes tell what was wrong with a person just by talking to them for a minute or two. When I say I could tell what was wrong with someone, I mean that I could sense or feel what was troubling them. For instance, I might be talking to someone and start feeling a heavy sadness, or sometimes I would hear a nagging voice inside of me telling me what was troubling the person.
Lately I have been calling myself a "sponge person". I started thinking of this term because of what had been going on with my husband. I started asking God why it was that I had a hard time being happy if he wasn't happy. Upon entering my home and just looking at my husband I can tell what kind of mood he is in. A lot of this just has to do with non verbal cues, such as body language, etc., that are certainly not spiritual in nature, but I can also feel the atmosphere when I come in. Sometimes I can feel that he is discouraged, worried, angry, or any other emotion. I have found that whatever mood he is in I automatically feel it to my core. This is not a good way to be. I know that I need to come to a place where I can be happy in spite of...but this is difficult because with a spirit of discernment you really "feel" what others are feeling and their emotions can become your own.
I think that the spirit of discernment leaves you wide open for negativity if you are not "prayed up". I can think of two distinct times when I was not prayed up and had negative consequences because of it. Before I divulge I want to stress that I am just expressing my opinion of what happened. If you are out there and can prove or disprove my theory, you are more than welcome to comment because I, too, would like to know more about this. Anyhow, the first time I was impacted by the spirit of anther was about two years ago. I do talks at local high schools about mental health issues, and tell my story about depression. Often, when I am done talking I will have some young female who wants to talk to me in private. I hear all types of sad stories, and try to help these young women as much as possible. Before even talking to them I am saying a silent prayer that God will help me to help them.
After one talk, my fellow coworker dropped a bomb on me. She told me there was a young lady who was not part of the group we presented to, who was dealing with a severe depression and wanted to talk to me. She was at the counselors office with her mother and they were hoping I could give her a word of encouragement. Normally, this is no problem, and I am more than happy to help. On this particular day, I'm not sure why, I was slightly reluctant to talk with this young woman and I don't think I even said my silent prayer before I went in to talk to her and her mother. I remember not feeling very confident about what to say to her, and really struggling to find the right words to encourage her. I left feeling that I had not made an impact or breakthrough with her, which was unusual.
It could not have been more than two days later that I began to feel very down and sad. I want to note that I have suffered from depression in the past, but during this time I had not had any severe depressive episodes in a few years. Within a few days I became very down, and depressed. Long story short, I finally came out of the depression, but the timing of the depression was quite odd, because prior to meeting with this girl I was just fine.
A more recent example is still effecting me now. My sister and her husband have been together for many years, and have had many, many ups and downs. Their relationship has always been erratic and full of drama, arguing, and things of that nature. I rarely interact with her partly because of this reason, because I really do not want to hear about the latest issue affecting their relationship. One day, out the blue, she stopped past my house, and to make a long story short we talked about her marriage, I tried to encourage her and we prayed together (she is not saved, but has an understanding of Jesus). This is the precise day that I remember my relationship with my husband really changing. I remember him being really angry when I came home, and me thinking how out of character he was acting. Since that day, my husband and I have been having many issues in our own marriage. We rarely would argue before, and that day marked a time when we just began to have these really crazy, wild arguments, which was so out of character for both of us.
Now unbelievers, and even some Believers out there could chalk all of this up to coincidence, but for those who are aware that spiritual warfare is real will receive confirmation that spiritual attacks are no laughing matter. The purpose of telling these stories though is not to talk about spiritual warfare, though we can learn a lesson about that as well, but rather to show illustrate why it is important for a person with a gift of spiritual discernment has to stay prayed up, and armored up with God's Word. I would love to hear how others feel about spiritual warfare, and spiritual gifts. Do leave comments and let me know what you think. God Bless, and Merry Christmas.
Once you find out what your gift is it is important to seek opportunities to walk in them. It is also important that you walk in your own gift and not try to be like someone else. When you try to walk in someone else's gift things start getting out of order and you are not doing a service to the kingdom of God. A good way to get an idea of what your gift is, is to look at the things that come to you naturally. Do you love to help the needy? Do you get excited when you tell someone about what Jesus has done for you? Do you daydream about traveling the world and helping people in other countries? These are all clues as to what could be your spiritual gift.
I believe one of my spiritual gifts is the gift of discernment. Now, all Christians should have some level of discernment. In other words, if you are a Christian you should have a basic innate concept of those things that are right and wrong. This means, if you go in a church that is telling you you do not have to treat your neighbor with kindness, the spirit inside you should send off a red flag that something is wrong with the message and you should hightail it out of there. Those who have a spirit of discernment are much more sensitive to those things that are right and wrong. Even very early in my Christian walk I can remember going to different churches and "feeling" upon entering that something was wrong in the church. As my walk with Christ developed I could sometimes tell what was wrong with a person just by talking to them for a minute or two. When I say I could tell what was wrong with someone, I mean that I could sense or feel what was troubling them. For instance, I might be talking to someone and start feeling a heavy sadness, or sometimes I would hear a nagging voice inside of me telling me what was troubling the person.
Lately I have been calling myself a "sponge person". I started thinking of this term because of what had been going on with my husband. I started asking God why it was that I had a hard time being happy if he wasn't happy. Upon entering my home and just looking at my husband I can tell what kind of mood he is in. A lot of this just has to do with non verbal cues, such as body language, etc., that are certainly not spiritual in nature, but I can also feel the atmosphere when I come in. Sometimes I can feel that he is discouraged, worried, angry, or any other emotion. I have found that whatever mood he is in I automatically feel it to my core. This is not a good way to be. I know that I need to come to a place where I can be happy in spite of...but this is difficult because with a spirit of discernment you really "feel" what others are feeling and their emotions can become your own.
I think that the spirit of discernment leaves you wide open for negativity if you are not "prayed up". I can think of two distinct times when I was not prayed up and had negative consequences because of it. Before I divulge I want to stress that I am just expressing my opinion of what happened. If you are out there and can prove or disprove my theory, you are more than welcome to comment because I, too, would like to know more about this. Anyhow, the first time I was impacted by the spirit of anther was about two years ago. I do talks at local high schools about mental health issues, and tell my story about depression. Often, when I am done talking I will have some young female who wants to talk to me in private. I hear all types of sad stories, and try to help these young women as much as possible. Before even talking to them I am saying a silent prayer that God will help me to help them.
After one talk, my fellow coworker dropped a bomb on me. She told me there was a young lady who was not part of the group we presented to, who was dealing with a severe depression and wanted to talk to me. She was at the counselors office with her mother and they were hoping I could give her a word of encouragement. Normally, this is no problem, and I am more than happy to help. On this particular day, I'm not sure why, I was slightly reluctant to talk with this young woman and I don't think I even said my silent prayer before I went in to talk to her and her mother. I remember not feeling very confident about what to say to her, and really struggling to find the right words to encourage her. I left feeling that I had not made an impact or breakthrough with her, which was unusual.
It could not have been more than two days later that I began to feel very down and sad. I want to note that I have suffered from depression in the past, but during this time I had not had any severe depressive episodes in a few years. Within a few days I became very down, and depressed. Long story short, I finally came out of the depression, but the timing of the depression was quite odd, because prior to meeting with this girl I was just fine.
A more recent example is still effecting me now. My sister and her husband have been together for many years, and have had many, many ups and downs. Their relationship has always been erratic and full of drama, arguing, and things of that nature. I rarely interact with her partly because of this reason, because I really do not want to hear about the latest issue affecting their relationship. One day, out the blue, she stopped past my house, and to make a long story short we talked about her marriage, I tried to encourage her and we prayed together (she is not saved, but has an understanding of Jesus). This is the precise day that I remember my relationship with my husband really changing. I remember him being really angry when I came home, and me thinking how out of character he was acting. Since that day, my husband and I have been having many issues in our own marriage. We rarely would argue before, and that day marked a time when we just began to have these really crazy, wild arguments, which was so out of character for both of us.
Now unbelievers, and even some Believers out there could chalk all of this up to coincidence, but for those who are aware that spiritual warfare is real will receive confirmation that spiritual attacks are no laughing matter. The purpose of telling these stories though is not to talk about spiritual warfare, though we can learn a lesson about that as well, but rather to show illustrate why it is important for a person with a gift of spiritual discernment has to stay prayed up, and armored up with God's Word. I would love to hear how others feel about spiritual warfare, and spiritual gifts. Do leave comments and let me know what you think. God Bless, and Merry Christmas.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Satan's War on the Family
Hello Friends in Christ. I am writing this evening with a heavy heart. Today I encountered a situation that I never saw coming. I will make a long story short: Today it was revealed that my son and a female friend started a pregnancy rumor. At this early stage it is too early to tell if these two young children have engaged in sexual intercourse, or if this is a silly rumor that has serious consequences. Friends, satan is on the prowl. I have no intention of giving satan glory he is not worthy of. Rather, I seek to inform you that he will stop at nothing to destroy the family.
I have had my share of bad days in the past, but I must say that I have not experienced a full frontal attack from satan like I am experiencing now. For five years, my husband and I lived in peace. We rarely argued or had issues. That all changed six months ago when satan came with his whole army and hell broke loose in my home. But satan is not satisfied. I made up in my mind about a week ago that I was going to trust in Jesus, and satan did not like that. He said, "I can't get her to stress anymore about her marriage, so let me put more fire on her feet." I was not letting my husband affect me anymore, so he went for what is most near and dear to me, my child.
Only time will tell if this is a rumor or not. My son could very well be a virgin, or perhaps he has given up the great gift of virginity. In any event I am looking at satan right in his eye and saying that I choose to stand on the word of God. I am on an elevated plane right now concerning myself with God. He is my main priority because I understand that if I seek Him first, all these things will be added to me.
This is not to say that I am living in some fantasy world, and sweeping what is happening under the rug. This is a serious accusation, and while both parties involved are saying this was just a silly rumor that was started, I understand that these types of rumors have serious implications. While we are on this subject I just want to remind you all to please keep your children close. My child is an honor student and president of his school. Furthermore he is rarely allowed outside my home (which is why I am really hoping this is just a rumor), and yet he managed to get himself into a heap of trouble. Do pray for me and my family and as always I pray for you as well. I honestly believe someone is praying for me out there because I really have no idea where all this strength is coming from. The Lord continue to bless you.
I have had my share of bad days in the past, but I must say that I have not experienced a full frontal attack from satan like I am experiencing now. For five years, my husband and I lived in peace. We rarely argued or had issues. That all changed six months ago when satan came with his whole army and hell broke loose in my home. But satan is not satisfied. I made up in my mind about a week ago that I was going to trust in Jesus, and satan did not like that. He said, "I can't get her to stress anymore about her marriage, so let me put more fire on her feet." I was not letting my husband affect me anymore, so he went for what is most near and dear to me, my child.
Only time will tell if this is a rumor or not. My son could very well be a virgin, or perhaps he has given up the great gift of virginity. In any event I am looking at satan right in his eye and saying that I choose to stand on the word of God. I am on an elevated plane right now concerning myself with God. He is my main priority because I understand that if I seek Him first, all these things will be added to me.
This is not to say that I am living in some fantasy world, and sweeping what is happening under the rug. This is a serious accusation, and while both parties involved are saying this was just a silly rumor that was started, I understand that these types of rumors have serious implications. While we are on this subject I just want to remind you all to please keep your children close. My child is an honor student and president of his school. Furthermore he is rarely allowed outside my home (which is why I am really hoping this is just a rumor), and yet he managed to get himself into a heap of trouble. Do pray for me and my family and as always I pray for you as well. I honestly believe someone is praying for me out there because I really have no idea where all this strength is coming from. The Lord continue to bless you.
Friday, December 17, 2010
I Don't Want to be Right, I Want to be Happy
I can't remember when I first heard this question, I am sure it was in a book I read. The question was this: " Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy." For the last few days I have answered this question with a resounding, "I want to be happy!". After engaging in multiple screaming sessions and acting totally out of character, I made a choice to be the bigger person, and I made the choice to be happy, regardless of how anyone else decided to act. Look, I'm not going to sit here and pretend that overnight I turned into little Miss Holy. I will be the first to admit that God still has a lot of perfecting to do in me. What is true is that in the last few days I suddenly have a new and better attitude, and having not felt this good in quite some time, I have to tell you that I definitely like feeling like this a lot better.
A lot of us take the bait in life. People and their negativity will always try to reel you in to some type of negative exchange. We are humans, and we often fall for it. The reason for this is that we want to be right, we want to get the last word, and we do not want to feel like someone is dominating us.
I for one have a huge problem with people trying to "control" me or talking to me any old way. I was not raised in an environment where it was okay to turn the other cheek. Where I grew up, if you turned the other cheek it was guaranteed that you would be bullied and beat up after school everyday. Not only was I raised in a tough city, I also wound up in an abusive relationship for a few years. I promised myself I would never let any man dominate or control me. With this attitude I successfully built a super tough exterior shell. My thought process when my husband says something I do not like is to say in my head, "Who does he think he's talking to? He ain't gonna talk to ME like that." Therein lies the problem.
My automatic reaction when someone says something I don't like is to get defensive, angry, and ready to lash out to defend my "place" or honor. To let someone talk smart to you means you are "weak", a wimp, a spineless coward. So when someone gets smart with me, I give it back. A lot of us do this. Although I might take it to the extreme, many of us have the same response of wanting to retaliate when we feel we have been wronged or someone has said or done something to hurt us. With this mental attitude,we are concerned with everything BUT being happy. If we have to be miserable, it doesn't matter, because at least we got our point across and spoke our minds.
Falling into this trap is what has cause me the most trouble. I am sure you have heard it before but I really want to emphasize that being happy is a choice. The human reaction is to lash out, and retaliate. The SUPERhuman reaction is to rise above your initial reaction and take the high road. This can be so tricky when we are already trained and accustomed to doing things the old way. For someone like me, who feels very disrespected when someone gets smart with me, it is proving to be a challenge to turn the other cheek. The amazing thing, however, is that instead of feeling like a wimp or coward for letting an argument go without taking the bait, is that I actually feel stronger for not engaging in confrontation. Every time I ignore a smart comment, or respond to a smart word with a happy one, I find myself getting stronger.
The Bible verse that has been helping me is Proverbs 16:32:
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city
Tell me that's not deep! What God is telling me is that I don't need to raise my voice, and act big and bad to be strong. The strongest person is determined by their ability to rise above the human emotions and reactions. What it all boils down to is that I am sick and tired of crying and being down. I need to start speaking life into my situations, instead of having a "woe is me" attitude.
I do hope that if you are going through similar situations in your marriage that you can take something away from reading this. It helps to know that you are not the only one going through a struggle. Do always remember that the enemy is here to steal, kill, and destroy. Fight back with the word and prayer. I believe that God is going to pour His Spirit out on you, and bring peace to your marriage, but you need to make a conscious choice to let negativity come out the mouth, and fall to the floor. Don't let it penetrate your soul, don't let it pop your peaceful bubble. If someone wants to act simple, let them act simple all alone. You don't have to join them. Until next time, peace and blessings.
A lot of us take the bait in life. People and their negativity will always try to reel you in to some type of negative exchange. We are humans, and we often fall for it. The reason for this is that we want to be right, we want to get the last word, and we do not want to feel like someone is dominating us.
I for one have a huge problem with people trying to "control" me or talking to me any old way. I was not raised in an environment where it was okay to turn the other cheek. Where I grew up, if you turned the other cheek it was guaranteed that you would be bullied and beat up after school everyday. Not only was I raised in a tough city, I also wound up in an abusive relationship for a few years. I promised myself I would never let any man dominate or control me. With this attitude I successfully built a super tough exterior shell. My thought process when my husband says something I do not like is to say in my head, "Who does he think he's talking to? He ain't gonna talk to ME like that." Therein lies the problem.
My automatic reaction when someone says something I don't like is to get defensive, angry, and ready to lash out to defend my "place" or honor. To let someone talk smart to you means you are "weak", a wimp, a spineless coward. So when someone gets smart with me, I give it back. A lot of us do this. Although I might take it to the extreme, many of us have the same response of wanting to retaliate when we feel we have been wronged or someone has said or done something to hurt us. With this mental attitude,we are concerned with everything BUT being happy. If we have to be miserable, it doesn't matter, because at least we got our point across and spoke our minds.
Falling into this trap is what has cause me the most trouble. I am sure you have heard it before but I really want to emphasize that being happy is a choice. The human reaction is to lash out, and retaliate. The SUPERhuman reaction is to rise above your initial reaction and take the high road. This can be so tricky when we are already trained and accustomed to doing things the old way. For someone like me, who feels very disrespected when someone gets smart with me, it is proving to be a challenge to turn the other cheek. The amazing thing, however, is that instead of feeling like a wimp or coward for letting an argument go without taking the bait, is that I actually feel stronger for not engaging in confrontation. Every time I ignore a smart comment, or respond to a smart word with a happy one, I find myself getting stronger.
The Bible verse that has been helping me is Proverbs 16:32:
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city
Tell me that's not deep! What God is telling me is that I don't need to raise my voice, and act big and bad to be strong. The strongest person is determined by their ability to rise above the human emotions and reactions. What it all boils down to is that I am sick and tired of crying and being down. I need to start speaking life into my situations, instead of having a "woe is me" attitude.
I do hope that if you are going through similar situations in your marriage that you can take something away from reading this. It helps to know that you are not the only one going through a struggle. Do always remember that the enemy is here to steal, kill, and destroy. Fight back with the word and prayer. I believe that God is going to pour His Spirit out on you, and bring peace to your marriage, but you need to make a conscious choice to let negativity come out the mouth, and fall to the floor. Don't let it penetrate your soul, don't let it pop your peaceful bubble. If someone wants to act simple, let them act simple all alone. You don't have to join them. Until next time, peace and blessings.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Giving God the Praise
I just want to give God some praise today for all that He has done. I realized yesterday, after scouring the internet that right now my marriage is going through a spiritual attack. I already had an idea that's what was going on, but doing some research on the internet really solidified what I was feeling. Knowing what is going on is almost a relief. You can't fight an enemy when you don't know what kind of enemy it is. Knowing this is a spiritual attack makes it easier to fight, because I now know what weapons to use.
Today I was given the bait and I didn't fall for it. You see, for the past few weeks when the hubby has an attitude, I fall for it. Before you know it, I'm acting a fool right along with him, but remember what mama used to say, "Two wrongs don't make a right"? Well, I was being wrong right along with him. It was getting to the point where I felt I was losing control. I would get so angry I would start shaking and trembling and thinking about doing really bad things. That person is not me. I have come too far in my life, after being in an abusive relationship to sink to that low again. I don't argue or fight in my intimate relationship. I don't do drama, and I have to remember that. So today when I was given the bait, I stayed calm and relaxed and carried on. A fool can't argue by themselves, right?
What helped me to stay calm is the recognition that this person who argues and starts trouble is not my husband. It is my husband under spiritual attack. My husband is kind and gentle. He is loving and patient. He is happy and optimistic. My husband under attack is the opposite of those, but I decided today that it is okay. It's okay because I'm not fighting my husband anymore, I'm fighting the devil, because he is the real and only enemy I have. My husband is not my enemy, Satan is. And not only is Satan my enemy, he is the enemy of my marriage, my children, and ALL Believers everywhere. What is so great is that I am not fighting the enemy all by myself. I let God handle my big troubles, because the God of Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps. That means I can rest and carry on, and let God handle the devil.
I am optimistic today. I'm sure there will be more hard days but I feel better equipped today to handle them. As I was praying I thought of the scripture, "I look to the hills, from whence cometh my help? My help cometh from the Lord"(paraphrase, Psalms) When I think about that verse I envision God in the distance, riding on a horse with his sword drawn, and he is ready to handle his business. It's great knowing there is someone strong and mighty on my side. I want to thank those who said a prayer for me. I felt it today. Even if all you said was "Lord, bless her", that prayer was enough and it does make a difference, and my prayer is that God will bless you sevenfold, who prayed for me.
Today I was given the bait and I didn't fall for it. You see, for the past few weeks when the hubby has an attitude, I fall for it. Before you know it, I'm acting a fool right along with him, but remember what mama used to say, "Two wrongs don't make a right"? Well, I was being wrong right along with him. It was getting to the point where I felt I was losing control. I would get so angry I would start shaking and trembling and thinking about doing really bad things. That person is not me. I have come too far in my life, after being in an abusive relationship to sink to that low again. I don't argue or fight in my intimate relationship. I don't do drama, and I have to remember that. So today when I was given the bait, I stayed calm and relaxed and carried on. A fool can't argue by themselves, right?
What helped me to stay calm is the recognition that this person who argues and starts trouble is not my husband. It is my husband under spiritual attack. My husband is kind and gentle. He is loving and patient. He is happy and optimistic. My husband under attack is the opposite of those, but I decided today that it is okay. It's okay because I'm not fighting my husband anymore, I'm fighting the devil, because he is the real and only enemy I have. My husband is not my enemy, Satan is. And not only is Satan my enemy, he is the enemy of my marriage, my children, and ALL Believers everywhere. What is so great is that I am not fighting the enemy all by myself. I let God handle my big troubles, because the God of Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps. That means I can rest and carry on, and let God handle the devil.
I am optimistic today. I'm sure there will be more hard days but I feel better equipped today to handle them. As I was praying I thought of the scripture, "I look to the hills, from whence cometh my help? My help cometh from the Lord"(paraphrase, Psalms) When I think about that verse I envision God in the distance, riding on a horse with his sword drawn, and he is ready to handle his business. It's great knowing there is someone strong and mighty on my side. I want to thank those who said a prayer for me. I felt it today. Even if all you said was "Lord, bless her", that prayer was enough and it does make a difference, and my prayer is that God will bless you sevenfold, who prayed for me.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Things Change Quickly when God Does things Suddenly
Almost immediately after posting my last post, things suddenly took a turn for the better. In the last few days things have improved considerably. Things just seem lighter around here. I am in a better mood and so is hubby. Just the other night we had a talk like we haven't had in a while. What I discovered from the talk is just how far apart we are in terms of how we view things that are going on. While this might seem like a bad thing, it is actually good. Knowing how different our views are gives us a better understanding for one another and helps us to adjust to the other's moods.
What I learned is that I am not just a pessimist, I am actually a catastrophic thinker. What that means is that when it comes to my marriage, I always assume the worst. That's bad. This is how it works:
1) Hubby and I have an argument over something relatively simple
2) Instead of accepting the argument and moving forward in a positive way, I immediately begin thinking that my husband wants a divorce, that he dislikes me, and doesn't want to be around me.
3) I start picturing my husband and I getting a divorce or separating. I envision myself moving out, and starting my life over. I think about how much he detests me, and I become positive (for the next few hours anyway) that we would be better off without each other.
Meanwhile, while I am stewing, crying, and thinking of all the possible terrible scenarios that are going to result from our petty argument my husband is downstairs watching Sunday night football and totally oblivious to the fact that I am so upset. This is because he takes the argument or disagreement for what it is: a natural and inevitable part of being married.
My catastrophic thinking is rooted in my background and past, and it is destructive to my marriage. You see, catastrophic thinking is my defense mechanism. If I prepare for the worst, then I will not be surprised or hurt by it when it comes. Catastrophic thinking is my way of being ready for all the terrible things that are bound to happen in my life. The problem with this train of thought is that while bad things are bound to happen in life, it negates the fact that God has promised that He has great plans for me, and plans to prosper me, and NOT to harm me. ( Jeremiah 29:11).
The first step in correcting any negative behavior or thought process is to recognize and admit that it exists. I always knew I was a pessimist, but now I am willing to admit that I am not just a pessimist, I have destructive thoughts that have no place in my marriage or in my life, because God has great plans for me. As we head into the New Year I am beginning to feel excited. After a pretty dark period I am beginning to feel a breath of fresh air blowing through. I am excited to see what God plans for me in the New Year and I am thanking God in advance for the good things that are in store for me. I believe that this is my breakthrough year. I encourage all who are out there going through rough times to put aside the self pity for just a few minutes and give God the praise for what He has already done and what He WILL do, in due time.
What I learned is that I am not just a pessimist, I am actually a catastrophic thinker. What that means is that when it comes to my marriage, I always assume the worst. That's bad. This is how it works:
1) Hubby and I have an argument over something relatively simple
2) Instead of accepting the argument and moving forward in a positive way, I immediately begin thinking that my husband wants a divorce, that he dislikes me, and doesn't want to be around me.
3) I start picturing my husband and I getting a divorce or separating. I envision myself moving out, and starting my life over. I think about how much he detests me, and I become positive (for the next few hours anyway) that we would be better off without each other.
Meanwhile, while I am stewing, crying, and thinking of all the possible terrible scenarios that are going to result from our petty argument my husband is downstairs watching Sunday night football and totally oblivious to the fact that I am so upset. This is because he takes the argument or disagreement for what it is: a natural and inevitable part of being married.
My catastrophic thinking is rooted in my background and past, and it is destructive to my marriage. You see, catastrophic thinking is my defense mechanism. If I prepare for the worst, then I will not be surprised or hurt by it when it comes. Catastrophic thinking is my way of being ready for all the terrible things that are bound to happen in my life. The problem with this train of thought is that while bad things are bound to happen in life, it negates the fact that God has promised that He has great plans for me, and plans to prosper me, and NOT to harm me. ( Jeremiah 29:11).
The first step in correcting any negative behavior or thought process is to recognize and admit that it exists. I always knew I was a pessimist, but now I am willing to admit that I am not just a pessimist, I have destructive thoughts that have no place in my marriage or in my life, because God has great plans for me. As we head into the New Year I am beginning to feel excited. After a pretty dark period I am beginning to feel a breath of fresh air blowing through. I am excited to see what God plans for me in the New Year and I am thanking God in advance for the good things that are in store for me. I believe that this is my breakthrough year. I encourage all who are out there going through rough times to put aside the self pity for just a few minutes and give God the praise for what He has already done and what He WILL do, in due time.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Marriage or Divorce, How Did we Get Here?
When I first started this blog the intention was just to give an account of a day to day life, and some of the issues that I deal with. The hope was that other Christians out there would learn, by reading this post, that we all have struggles, none of us are perfect. What I never expected is that this might turn into an expose of how my marriage is going down the drain. Life has a way of throwing curve balls, and this situation is no different. Where this will end is beyond me, because I am already at the point where I am frustrated and literally cannot tolerate one more stupid argument.
What bothers me the most is that my husband seems totally oblivious as to how bad this situation has gotten. While he thinks this is simply a bump in the road, I am at the end of my rope and only hanging on because I tied a knot. How long will the knot hold? I don't know. I am part of the problem, and I realize that. There are issues in my past that still effect me today, and I know I have a tendency to see the worst in every situation. Yes, I am a pessimist. I wish that I could blame everything that is happening on being a pessimist but it just is not that simple. There are other forces at work, and at this point I feel powerless to change them.
As a student of Psychology, it is sickly fascinating to watch the demise of my marriage. I have always liked watching how people interact with one another, and guessing why people do the things they do. It is not as fun watching my own psychology experiment, but if I have to take some good out of it, I am sure I will learn a few things about why marriages fall apart. What I find to be kind of weird is that I can almost pinpoint the exact moment my marriage started going downhill. I don't know any other people who have gotten divorced so I wonder if this is a somewhat unique experience. In any event, since that day things have progressively gone downward. It is kind of like I am watching a train wreck that will inevitably happen.
Now you may be wondering where does God come into all this. Well, I wonder the same thing most days. In other words, I often find myself asking God if He is even around and if He even cares about what is happening in my life. Having been through trials in my life, there is a part of me that knows in the toughest time, when I only see one set of footprints in the sand, God is carrying me, but I admit there are days it just doesn't feel like that. At this point I feel like I have tried everything. I prayed, and prayed. I have fasted. I have lost my patience and yelled like a maniac, and thus far it seems like I have gotten nowhere but worse off.
I find myself feeling sorry for myself rather often. I have adopted a “why me” attitude. I know I should be attacking this issue from a standpoint of faith, but as anyone who has been in any kind of struggle will attest, this is easier said than done. At this point I do find myself trying to focus less on the problems and more on taking this as a learning experience. When all is said and done I plan on being with my husband. The word “divorce” runs through my mind often, but when I have those thoughts I envision myself standing at the altar with my husband and promising before God that I would love him in sickness and health, in good times and bad, and until death do we part. So these are the bad times. I’m fine. I tied a knot and I’m hanging on.
What bothers me the most is that my husband seems totally oblivious as to how bad this situation has gotten. While he thinks this is simply a bump in the road, I am at the end of my rope and only hanging on because I tied a knot. How long will the knot hold? I don't know. I am part of the problem, and I realize that. There are issues in my past that still effect me today, and I know I have a tendency to see the worst in every situation. Yes, I am a pessimist. I wish that I could blame everything that is happening on being a pessimist but it just is not that simple. There are other forces at work, and at this point I feel powerless to change them.
As a student of Psychology, it is sickly fascinating to watch the demise of my marriage. I have always liked watching how people interact with one another, and guessing why people do the things they do. It is not as fun watching my own psychology experiment, but if I have to take some good out of it, I am sure I will learn a few things about why marriages fall apart. What I find to be kind of weird is that I can almost pinpoint the exact moment my marriage started going downhill. I don't know any other people who have gotten divorced so I wonder if this is a somewhat unique experience. In any event, since that day things have progressively gone downward. It is kind of like I am watching a train wreck that will inevitably happen.
Now you may be wondering where does God come into all this. Well, I wonder the same thing most days. In other words, I often find myself asking God if He is even around and if He even cares about what is happening in my life. Having been through trials in my life, there is a part of me that knows in the toughest time, when I only see one set of footprints in the sand, God is carrying me, but I admit there are days it just doesn't feel like that. At this point I feel like I have tried everything. I prayed, and prayed. I have fasted. I have lost my patience and yelled like a maniac, and thus far it seems like I have gotten nowhere but worse off.
I find myself feeling sorry for myself rather often. I have adopted a “why me” attitude. I know I should be attacking this issue from a standpoint of faith, but as anyone who has been in any kind of struggle will attest, this is easier said than done. At this point I do find myself trying to focus less on the problems and more on taking this as a learning experience. When all is said and done I plan on being with my husband. The word “divorce” runs through my mind often, but when I have those thoughts I envision myself standing at the altar with my husband and promising before God that I would love him in sickness and health, in good times and bad, and until death do we part. So these are the bad times. I’m fine. I tied a knot and I’m hanging on.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)