Once certain things are said, and certain things done, I think there comes a time in a relationship where there is no turning back, where some things are set in stone. For a few months my husband and I were having some problems in our relationship and during that time a lot of things were said to one another. Feelings were hurt, names were called, you get the drift. For the last few weeks, things have been a lot better, but I just never feel like we will be back the way we were.
For four years my husband (then boyfriend) and I had the type of relationship that others envied. We had made a pact early on in our relationship that we would talk things out, that we wouldn't scream at each other or call each other names. It worked like a charm for a while. Then we hit a rough patch, and the calm and caring person I married turned into a vicious, angry monster. I wanted to leave so many times, but I didn't. When this new year began things took a turn for the better. We have been getting along great and only had one incident. But I am not fooled, I never am.
Deep down inside I could not accept that things would be perfect the way they once were. I always had a nagging feeling that the mean person he became during our difficult times was still bubbling underneath the surface. I'm not perfect either. The fact that I no longer trust him and the leftover anger and resentment are still there. I want to forget the words that were said, but I can't. They are always with me. Now, even though things are better, I feel like I am always awaiting the next argument or struggle.
Today we are having one, and it feels like history repeating itself. I just feel so discouraged. I doubt that things will ever be the way they were before, when loving each other was so natural. Now I feel like it is all fake. I mean, if you have to force yourself or put forth a lot of effort to be kind to someone, to me that isn't genuine love.
But what do I know about love? It's not like I am the expert on love or anything. In fact, what I believe about love is what I have learned throughout the years, that it is temporary and dependent on how good of a person you are. What I have been taught by the people who love me is that the only time I am lovable is when I am acting the way they want me to act. Only when I live up to their ideals am I worthy of love. So that leads me to come to no other conclusion other than, the person I genuinely am simply is not good enough for love. Oh well, what can ya do?
I know I've said it in the past but today I really wish I could be done with the whole marriage thing. I'm really starting to believe that the fears I had coming into this marriage are true. I am just not marriage material. I don't have what it takes to see this marriage through until the end, and love doesn't last forever. A lot of days I feel like my life would be so much easier if I only had myself to make happy. Constantly trying to be your best for someone else is tiring and often has no reward. If I lived alone, with just my children, there would be no more arguing, fighting, or misunderstandings. Boy do I miss those days.
I don't know what I am waiting for. I guess, like so many others, I am simply holding on to hope that one day things will turn out better. Ahhh, but it's all just a dream. When things do get better for a while, it's only temporary, so why do I keep trying. Wouldn't things just be better off if we were both alone? I wouldn't have to worry about him being selfish and aggressive, and he wouldn't have to worry about me being a trouble maker and disrespectful. If we get divorced will I really go to hell? Will my life really be miserable? Will God really punish me for breaking my wedding vows? I don't know, but I am so willing to take those chances.
So usually I have encouraging words, but today I have none. The only halfway positive thing I have to say is to my single brothers and sisters out there. If you aren't married, please don't be in a rush to get married. It really isn't all it's cracked up to be. When it's good, it's great, but when it's bad, it's the worst. Having to live with someone when you simply cannot see eye to eye is terrible. There is no peace or happiness in that situation. When you are single, you only have your own likes and dislikes to consider, and who will you argue with then? Yourself? No.
When I was single and people gave warnings like this, I always thought, "If you take your time and marry the right one, you won't have any problems." Yeah, sure. I married the right one. We both are Christians. He was a kind and loving man. We have many things in common. If he isn't the right one, then no one else is, because no one can get as close to perfect as he is. However, people change. They grow, and sometimes they turn into different people, and then the person you married, is no longer the person you are with. I miss the person I married. I mourn for him. I long for him. But I don't think he exists anymore. So where do I go from here?
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Tax Returns, Money, and the Meaning of Life
Hi all. I am in such a great mood today. Things have been going great in my home. Things are almost as good as they used to be. I'm falling in love with my husband all over again, and he is treating me better than he has in a long time. I can't tell you how glad I am that I hung in there when I was ready to throw in the towel. There is an old saying, "It's darkest before the dawn breaks," and I believe this to be true. Toward the end of December things were just getting so ugly in my marriage. All I wanted to do was run away and be done with the whole horror or it all. But I waited, and since the New Year begun things have progressively gotten better. God is truly good.
Of course there are still other areas to deal with in our lives. Trouble sometimes comes from every direction, and in my life it is no different. Have you ever heard the saying, "More money, more problems"? Lately I have been ruminating on this saying because I have come to believe that this saying truly holds some truth. Obviously no one wants to be poor, but I have always had a nagging feeling that being rich is no walk in the park either. I have never been one to fall for the hype, that being richer somehow makes you happier.
With my tax refund check sitting idly in the bank, I find myself thinking about it a lot. Usually, like many other Americans, we have just enough to get by. The tax refund check is a small windfall, one we are grateful for. On the other hand I have noticed that ever since I got the check I have been thinking about money a lot more, and it's rather annoying. What should we do with the money? What have we been putting off buying? What if I spend it foolishly? What if it's gone in a month? These are all the questions running through my mind. When I had fifty dollars in my account, money didn't bother me. I paid what had to be paid, and forgot about it.
Somehow, where your comma falls in your bank register total affects the way you think and feel. Money is such a huge part of your lives, and it sometimes brings a pain with it that I prefer to do without. Don't get me wrong, I love a great Coach purse just like the next gal, and I'm not one to deny myself the occasional luxury, but for the most part I am happy and content where I am in life, with the finances God has given me. By most any one's definition, our family finances are pretty modest, but somehow God has provided us with not only our needs, but most of our wants.
One of my favorite Bible verses is Proverbs 30: 7-9:
7 Two things I request of You
(Deprive me not before I die):
8 Remove falsehood and lies far from me;
Give me neither poverty nor riches—
Feed me with the food allotted to me;
9 Lest I be full and deny You,
And say, “Who is the LORD?”
Or lest I be poor and steal,
And profane the name of my God.
This message really speaks to me, and it is precisely how I feel. I may be one of the few people who would never want to win the lottery for millions of dollars. I just don't see the point of it. Having grown up in a poor home, and having lived my life with less than for many years, I learned early that money simply cannot buy happiness. All I want out of life is to have a relationship with the Lord. I want to have a loving family, and enjoy the things God has given me. I want my health, and my salvation. Everything else is just a bonus.
One way I show my gratefulness to God is by making sure to tithe from everything God has given me. I made tithing a habit many years ago, and I truly believe this choice has had some effect on God blessing me and my family. To me, the economy has no bearing on tithing. Just as I wouldn't dream of missing a credit card payment, I wouldn't think to not tithe. It is just something I do, and I have been doing it for so long that it is second nature. This isn't to say that if someone is struggling financially they should feel obligated to pay their tithe. If you have to choose between making a mortgage payment or tithing, I say go for the mortgage payment. We shouldn't be bound by rules, and a fear that God will punish us if we mess up.
But enough about me. If you are getting a tax return what do you plan on doing with it. Are you going to catch up on some bills? Start some home projects? Or are you going to splurge on something you normally wouldn't buy? Whatever you do, try to enjoy it a bit. Don't let it become a burden like it seems mine has become. I hope you and I both will always remember that money comes and goes. We should certainly enjoy the blessings God has given us, but in the long run we have to keep in the forefront of our minds that nothing we buy or possess can be taken with us to Heaven. When we die, we can't take our five bedroom home in the nice part of town, or our late model car. In the grand scheme of things, these material objects mean nothing.
Of course there are still other areas to deal with in our lives. Trouble sometimes comes from every direction, and in my life it is no different. Have you ever heard the saying, "More money, more problems"? Lately I have been ruminating on this saying because I have come to believe that this saying truly holds some truth. Obviously no one wants to be poor, but I have always had a nagging feeling that being rich is no walk in the park either. I have never been one to fall for the hype, that being richer somehow makes you happier.
With my tax refund check sitting idly in the bank, I find myself thinking about it a lot. Usually, like many other Americans, we have just enough to get by. The tax refund check is a small windfall, one we are grateful for. On the other hand I have noticed that ever since I got the check I have been thinking about money a lot more, and it's rather annoying. What should we do with the money? What have we been putting off buying? What if I spend it foolishly? What if it's gone in a month? These are all the questions running through my mind. When I had fifty dollars in my account, money didn't bother me. I paid what had to be paid, and forgot about it.
Somehow, where your comma falls in your bank register total affects the way you think and feel. Money is such a huge part of your lives, and it sometimes brings a pain with it that I prefer to do without. Don't get me wrong, I love a great Coach purse just like the next gal, and I'm not one to deny myself the occasional luxury, but for the most part I am happy and content where I am in life, with the finances God has given me. By most any one's definition, our family finances are pretty modest, but somehow God has provided us with not only our needs, but most of our wants.
One of my favorite Bible verses is Proverbs 30: 7-9:
7 Two things I request of You
(Deprive me not before I die):
8 Remove falsehood and lies far from me;
Give me neither poverty nor riches—
Feed me with the food allotted to me;
9 Lest I be full and deny You,
And say, “Who is the LORD?”
Or lest I be poor and steal,
And profane the name of my God.
This message really speaks to me, and it is precisely how I feel. I may be one of the few people who would never want to win the lottery for millions of dollars. I just don't see the point of it. Having grown up in a poor home, and having lived my life with less than for many years, I learned early that money simply cannot buy happiness. All I want out of life is to have a relationship with the Lord. I want to have a loving family, and enjoy the things God has given me. I want my health, and my salvation. Everything else is just a bonus.
One way I show my gratefulness to God is by making sure to tithe from everything God has given me. I made tithing a habit many years ago, and I truly believe this choice has had some effect on God blessing me and my family. To me, the economy has no bearing on tithing. Just as I wouldn't dream of missing a credit card payment, I wouldn't think to not tithe. It is just something I do, and I have been doing it for so long that it is second nature. This isn't to say that if someone is struggling financially they should feel obligated to pay their tithe. If you have to choose between making a mortgage payment or tithing, I say go for the mortgage payment. We shouldn't be bound by rules, and a fear that God will punish us if we mess up.
But enough about me. If you are getting a tax return what do you plan on doing with it. Are you going to catch up on some bills? Start some home projects? Or are you going to splurge on something you normally wouldn't buy? Whatever you do, try to enjoy it a bit. Don't let it become a burden like it seems mine has become. I hope you and I both will always remember that money comes and goes. We should certainly enjoy the blessings God has given us, but in the long run we have to keep in the forefront of our minds that nothing we buy or possess can be taken with us to Heaven. When we die, we can't take our five bedroom home in the nice part of town, or our late model car. In the grand scheme of things, these material objects mean nothing.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A Little Rant for Annoying People
Today I thought I would rant about people and circumstances that annoy me. Right now, my biggest source of annoyance is a female who is renting a home from us. She professed herself to be a Christian, which really made my husband and myself want to give her a chance at renting our place. Well, the honeymoon didn't last long. Within two months she stopped paying rent and gave us money when she felt like it. She made excuse after excuse for why she could not pay the rent, even using her child as an excuse at one point. Does anyone else see something wrong with that?
I am a big fan of personal responsibility. I have been on my own since I was seventeen, and I have never missed rent, and rarely paid a bill late. This is just the type of person I am. Sometimes I wonder why a lot of people do not have that same sense of responsibility in their own lives? What makes me wonder even more is why some people seem to have such a hard time managing their money.
When I was growing up we were pretty poor. I learned the value of a dollar at a young age. I learned to spend my money wisely and to set my priorities in order. Some people, on the other hand, seem to think that fun comes before work, or that fancy cars come before having a roof over your head. I just don't understand the logic in that. Particularly, where I live, in a very poor, urban environment, fancy, name brand clothes are all that matters. Many of the people who live around here fall in the very bottom tier of the socio-economic ladder. Still, that doesn't stop them from buying the latest and greatest pair of Jordans that came out on the market.
Have you noticed that people have a habit of taking kindness as a weakness? I have. The kindness I have toward others and my inability to confront people on their wrongdoings makes me an easy target for people to run over. Once people know I am a Christian it makes it all the more appealing to push my buttons. Sometimes it feels like they get a kick out of seeing how much they can push me before I snap, and then when I snap they get to accuse me of not being Christ like.
People like our renter are the type who really want to make you lose your cool. You give them chance after the chance, and all you get are a bunch of empty promises. Her inability to pay her rent has caused us to crunch it financially, and for that I am truly pissed off. I can't help but wonder if she even did the math before making a year-long commitment to pay a certain amount. To me, it's simple math; if you are spending more than what you are getting in, something is going to have to give.
Well, that's my rant. Not particularly interesting by any stretch of the imagination, but what's the point of a blog if you can't lay it all out on the table?
I am a big fan of personal responsibility. I have been on my own since I was seventeen, and I have never missed rent, and rarely paid a bill late. This is just the type of person I am. Sometimes I wonder why a lot of people do not have that same sense of responsibility in their own lives? What makes me wonder even more is why some people seem to have such a hard time managing their money.
When I was growing up we were pretty poor. I learned the value of a dollar at a young age. I learned to spend my money wisely and to set my priorities in order. Some people, on the other hand, seem to think that fun comes before work, or that fancy cars come before having a roof over your head. I just don't understand the logic in that. Particularly, where I live, in a very poor, urban environment, fancy, name brand clothes are all that matters. Many of the people who live around here fall in the very bottom tier of the socio-economic ladder. Still, that doesn't stop them from buying the latest and greatest pair of Jordans that came out on the market.
Have you noticed that people have a habit of taking kindness as a weakness? I have. The kindness I have toward others and my inability to confront people on their wrongdoings makes me an easy target for people to run over. Once people know I am a Christian it makes it all the more appealing to push my buttons. Sometimes it feels like they get a kick out of seeing how much they can push me before I snap, and then when I snap they get to accuse me of not being Christ like.
People like our renter are the type who really want to make you lose your cool. You give them chance after the chance, and all you get are a bunch of empty promises. Her inability to pay her rent has caused us to crunch it financially, and for that I am truly pissed off. I can't help but wonder if she even did the math before making a year-long commitment to pay a certain amount. To me, it's simple math; if you are spending more than what you are getting in, something is going to have to give.
Well, that's my rant. Not particularly interesting by any stretch of the imagination, but what's the point of a blog if you can't lay it all out on the table?
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
A Perfect Love
With Valentines day just around the corner, I thought today would be a great day to talk about love. I answer questions on www.webanswers.com and there I see a lot of questions concerning love and relationships. Webanswers is a website that allows people to ask and answer questions. Multiple people answer questions and the person who asks the question has to award a "best answer" to their question. There are several different categories on webanswers, and I happen to rank as number one on the relationships leaderboard (http://www.webanswers.com/leaderboards.cfm) ( I am Goldengirl).
I find it somewhat funny that of all the excellent members on webanswers who give awesome advice, I hapen to be number one in the relationships category. How I became the relationship expert is a mystery to me, because my life has not been one that was full of love. In fact, I might say that up until five years ago, love was not something that I had ever experienced from a human in it's genuine form. The love I had received up until that point was love that was based on everything but the truest intent. It was love that was conditional, and often, love that was sick.
Five years ago I met someone who blew the lid off of everything I thought love was supposed to be. Before I met him I had my notions and ideas of what love was, and my mentality then, was that love did not exist. I was not a believer at all. I was scared and wary of it. I wanted no part of it, because I knew from experience that when I loved someone, that love would never be returned. When I met this man, I expected nothing from him except to have a friend. What I got was so much more.
My husband and I have had some rough times lately, but thankfully things are getting much, much better. Now, I am beginning to see the man I fell in love with again, and it feels great. Just a few weeks ago, I wanted out of this relationship. The person who had been my best friend was turning into my worst enemy. It was scary, and so sad. I was losing my faith in love again. But here we are, just a few weeks later, and I am so happy to say that God has turned our situation around. We went from being on the brink, to now being dead center. I am not saying our relationship is perfect, we still have some kinks to iron out, but for the most part our love has been restored.
We will not be doing anything special for Valentines day. I am not too big on holidays of this sort. To me, it feels like a cop out to buy someone a gift one day of the year, when you haven't given them your best the other days of the year. What I want to celebrate is love that is true all year long. This is the kind of love I have. Even when we argue or don't get along well, I am confident that my husband loves me with a real love. When you spend so many years wondering what love feels like, you learn to appreciate it when it finally appears. This is why I am so grateful to have a husband like I have.
But what about you? How will you be spending Valentines this year? Will you be lonely and miserable, wishing you had someone to love? Will you be heartbroken because the love you have is slipping away? Or will you be rejoicing because you have found your forever love? Whatever your circumstance, I hope that you will feel God's love, because as time has passed I have learned that God's love is the purest love, and the only perfected love.
If you are spending this Valentines saddened by the loss of your love, I just want to encourage you to not give up hope. God has a track record of turning the impossible around. Don't give up on the person that God has sent your way! At times you have to know when to fold em' but if there is any spark of love left in you, let it glow until it becomes a fire again. I truly hope that God will be with you this Valentines day and that you will feel his all consuming love for you. His death and resurrection is proof positive that He cares for you with a deep and abiding love. Best Wishes this Valentine's day.
I find it somewhat funny that of all the excellent members on webanswers who give awesome advice, I hapen to be number one in the relationships category. How I became the relationship expert is a mystery to me, because my life has not been one that was full of love. In fact, I might say that up until five years ago, love was not something that I had ever experienced from a human in it's genuine form. The love I had received up until that point was love that was based on everything but the truest intent. It was love that was conditional, and often, love that was sick.
Five years ago I met someone who blew the lid off of everything I thought love was supposed to be. Before I met him I had my notions and ideas of what love was, and my mentality then, was that love did not exist. I was not a believer at all. I was scared and wary of it. I wanted no part of it, because I knew from experience that when I loved someone, that love would never be returned. When I met this man, I expected nothing from him except to have a friend. What I got was so much more.
My husband and I have had some rough times lately, but thankfully things are getting much, much better. Now, I am beginning to see the man I fell in love with again, and it feels great. Just a few weeks ago, I wanted out of this relationship. The person who had been my best friend was turning into my worst enemy. It was scary, and so sad. I was losing my faith in love again. But here we are, just a few weeks later, and I am so happy to say that God has turned our situation around. We went from being on the brink, to now being dead center. I am not saying our relationship is perfect, we still have some kinks to iron out, but for the most part our love has been restored.
We will not be doing anything special for Valentines day. I am not too big on holidays of this sort. To me, it feels like a cop out to buy someone a gift one day of the year, when you haven't given them your best the other days of the year. What I want to celebrate is love that is true all year long. This is the kind of love I have. Even when we argue or don't get along well, I am confident that my husband loves me with a real love. When you spend so many years wondering what love feels like, you learn to appreciate it when it finally appears. This is why I am so grateful to have a husband like I have.
But what about you? How will you be spending Valentines this year? Will you be lonely and miserable, wishing you had someone to love? Will you be heartbroken because the love you have is slipping away? Or will you be rejoicing because you have found your forever love? Whatever your circumstance, I hope that you will feel God's love, because as time has passed I have learned that God's love is the purest love, and the only perfected love.
If you are spending this Valentines saddened by the loss of your love, I just want to encourage you to not give up hope. God has a track record of turning the impossible around. Don't give up on the person that God has sent your way! At times you have to know when to fold em' but if there is any spark of love left in you, let it glow until it becomes a fire again. I truly hope that God will be with you this Valentines day and that you will feel his all consuming love for you. His death and resurrection is proof positive that He cares for you with a deep and abiding love. Best Wishes this Valentine's day.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
A Paranormal Experience
If you have read any of my other posts, you know that I believe in spiritual warfare. By now you know that I believe the enemy has one purpose, and that is to steal, kill, and destroy. I and my marriage have been under a powerful spiritual attack for the last few months. The other day it became obvious to me how serious the enemy is when it comes to breaking my marriage apart and bending my will.
The other night I had a strange dream. I will not get into details, but in brief, the dream had to do with demonic entities. Let me explain that I rarely have nightmares. The few occasions where I have a scary dream is directly related to me watching something scary on television. I had not been watching anything scary the day of this dream. Toward the end of the dream, the demonic entity said to me that he was going to "afflict [my] eye". I then asked it, "WHICH EYE?". In the dream, I began rubbing my eye as it became swollen and red. The dream ended.
The next morning when I woke my daughter for school she told me something strange. "Mommy, it was so scary. Last night I had to go to the bathroom because I couldn't open my eye. Every time I tried to open it, it was hurting. When I went to the bathroom I squeezed it and a little rock came out of my eye.". It was only later that I started remembering my dream. I had one of those moments where all the hair stands up on your body.
Listen, I'm not jumping to any conclusions. I will leave the interpretation of this event up to you, but I will tell you it all seems very odd to me. Yes, it could have been a mere coincidence, but it all seems a little too real to me. My daughter did not complain of any eye problems during the day. If I even have an eyelash in my eye, it hurts like heck, so I find it strange that if she had a rock in her eye it didn't bother her during the day. But if it all isn't a coincidence, then what does it all mean?
God has not revealed the meaning to me yet, but my interpretation thus far is that the enemy was just trying to instill fear in me. Unfortunately, it didn't work. Yes, it's creepy to think that maybe, just maybe, the enemy can infiltrate your dreams like that, but as usual I trust God. I refuse to live my life in fear, and in fact, I almost feel honored that the enemy must continue to up the ante to get me to fold and crumble. As I have said so many times, spiritual warfare is no joke, and there is nothing fun about it, but when all is said and done God always has the final victory so I will not spend my time down and depressed.
I do have moments where I feel strained, and I definitely have moments when I feel like giving up, but God has been faithful. I am still here! I have my up days and my down days, but I am so thankful for everyday that I wind up, once again, laying by my husband's side at night. God knows there are times when I want to pack my bags and catch the next flight to the other side of the earth to get away from him, but somehow, someway we are still hanging on. If God has been good to you, if you have a testimony, and if God keeps on keeping you, then thank Him and praise Him because it's only going to get better.
The other night I had a strange dream. I will not get into details, but in brief, the dream had to do with demonic entities. Let me explain that I rarely have nightmares. The few occasions where I have a scary dream is directly related to me watching something scary on television. I had not been watching anything scary the day of this dream. Toward the end of the dream, the demonic entity said to me that he was going to "afflict [my] eye". I then asked it, "WHICH EYE?". In the dream, I began rubbing my eye as it became swollen and red. The dream ended.
The next morning when I woke my daughter for school she told me something strange. "Mommy, it was so scary. Last night I had to go to the bathroom because I couldn't open my eye. Every time I tried to open it, it was hurting. When I went to the bathroom I squeezed it and a little rock came out of my eye.". It was only later that I started remembering my dream. I had one of those moments where all the hair stands up on your body.
Listen, I'm not jumping to any conclusions. I will leave the interpretation of this event up to you, but I will tell you it all seems very odd to me. Yes, it could have been a mere coincidence, but it all seems a little too real to me. My daughter did not complain of any eye problems during the day. If I even have an eyelash in my eye, it hurts like heck, so I find it strange that if she had a rock in her eye it didn't bother her during the day. But if it all isn't a coincidence, then what does it all mean?
God has not revealed the meaning to me yet, but my interpretation thus far is that the enemy was just trying to instill fear in me. Unfortunately, it didn't work. Yes, it's creepy to think that maybe, just maybe, the enemy can infiltrate your dreams like that, but as usual I trust God. I refuse to live my life in fear, and in fact, I almost feel honored that the enemy must continue to up the ante to get me to fold and crumble. As I have said so many times, spiritual warfare is no joke, and there is nothing fun about it, but when all is said and done God always has the final victory so I will not spend my time down and depressed.
I do have moments where I feel strained, and I definitely have moments when I feel like giving up, but God has been faithful. I am still here! I have my up days and my down days, but I am so thankful for everyday that I wind up, once again, laying by my husband's side at night. God knows there are times when I want to pack my bags and catch the next flight to the other side of the earth to get away from him, but somehow, someway we are still hanging on. If God has been good to you, if you have a testimony, and if God keeps on keeping you, then thank Him and praise Him because it's only going to get better.
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