Almost immediately after posting my last post, things suddenly took a turn for the better. In the last few days things have improved considerably. Things just seem lighter around here. I am in a better mood and so is hubby. Just the other night we had a talk like we haven't had in a while. What I discovered from the talk is just how far apart we are in terms of how we view things that are going on. While this might seem like a bad thing, it is actually good. Knowing how different our views are gives us a better understanding for one another and helps us to adjust to the other's moods.
What I learned is that I am not just a pessimist, I am actually a catastrophic thinker. What that means is that when it comes to my marriage, I always assume the worst. That's bad. This is how it works:
1) Hubby and I have an argument over something relatively simple
2) Instead of accepting the argument and moving forward in a positive way, I immediately begin thinking that my husband wants a divorce, that he dislikes me, and doesn't want to be around me.
3) I start picturing my husband and I getting a divorce or separating. I envision myself moving out, and starting my life over. I think about how much he detests me, and I become positive (for the next few hours anyway) that we would be better off without each other.
Meanwhile, while I am stewing, crying, and thinking of all the possible terrible scenarios that are going to result from our petty argument my husband is downstairs watching Sunday night football and totally oblivious to the fact that I am so upset. This is because he takes the argument or disagreement for what it is: a natural and inevitable part of being married.
My catastrophic thinking is rooted in my background and past, and it is destructive to my marriage. You see, catastrophic thinking is my defense mechanism. If I prepare for the worst, then I will not be surprised or hurt by it when it comes. Catastrophic thinking is my way of being ready for all the terrible things that are bound to happen in my life. The problem with this train of thought is that while bad things are bound to happen in life, it negates the fact that God has promised that He has great plans for me, and plans to prosper me, and NOT to harm me. ( Jeremiah 29:11).
The first step in correcting any negative behavior or thought process is to recognize and admit that it exists. I always knew I was a pessimist, but now I am willing to admit that I am not just a pessimist, I have destructive thoughts that have no place in my marriage or in my life, because God has great plans for me. As we head into the New Year I am beginning to feel excited. After a pretty dark period I am beginning to feel a breath of fresh air blowing through. I am excited to see what God plans for me in the New Year and I am thanking God in advance for the good things that are in store for me. I believe that this is my breakthrough year. I encourage all who are out there going through rough times to put aside the self pity for just a few minutes and give God the praise for what He has already done and what He WILL do, in due time.
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