My sister and I don't have the greatest relationship. This is a far cry from when we were younger. Back then we could play with barbies for hours on end. Mom had to remind us to come eat. Now, though she lives just a few blocks away from me we rarely have time to talk, or should I say, we really don't have much to talk about. My sister and I have a few similarities but mostly we are very different. Our outlooks on life are completely different. The last time we got together the conversation was so awkward I could hear a pin drop. It really upsets me that we aren't closer. It has to do in part with all the drama in her life. I really can't bear to hear the newest sad story, or all the gory details of her most recent argument with her husband.
Still, she needs help...and I know she does because God told me (cue crazy Christian talk). Well, you know what I mean. No, I didn't see God this morning. I didn't give him pointers on what color suit He should wear. I didn't hear Him audibly. I heard Him in my heart. It's a feeling...a nagging feeling. Since God and I aren't as close as we once were I'm not always positive when it's Him speaking or just my own grandiose ideas. So now what I've learned to do is wait a few days. I have grandiose ideas on a regular basis..open up a homeless shelter, fly to India and as a missionary, start a huge petition to outlaw liquor in the ghettos, etc, etc. These thoughts come and go. On the other hand, when God tells me to do something the thought doesn't go away. In fact, if I ignore it it gets stronger and stronger, and naggier and naggier ( naggier: adj, def. very nagging) So for the past week I've had the nagging feeling that my sister could use a few dollars. I am happy to oblige. I call it, "paying it forward". Once, when I was very broke and not above standing in church lines to get government food, my mom gave me a gift card to the grocery store. This was the first time in my adult life that she gave financial assistance. She did it because God told her to do it, and now I am the giver and not the reciever.
I don't tell this story to ring my own bell. It's the web. I am delightfully anonymous. I tell it just as a reminder that God is still at work today. If we listen closely we can hear His voice. Even a sinner like me can hear His voice. He is the Shepherd and I am the sheep, and because of this I know His voice. His voice has gotten fainter because I don't devote the time I should to talking with Him. There was a time, when I was single and struggling that God was my absolute everything. I talked to Him in the morning and at night. It wasn't uncommon for me to spend an hour or two just praying. During these days, His voice was loud and clear. Our relationship grew so close. Now, though I have walked a little further away from Him I am still grateful for that time of bonding. I know I will never turn away from Him completely.
Just being further from Him has done enough. I'm angry, unsettled, mean as a rattlesnake at times, and unapologetic. Please don't ever think from my posts that I'm a saint. Trust me, you'll catch me on a bad day and you won't believe I'm the same person. I don't like being this way, and even when my relationship with the Lord was in tip-top shape I can't say I was ever free from all these icky personality faults. With Him though, they were a little more controlled. I could more easily control my temper, I tried harder not to be mean, I only honked my horn once at old men who were doing 15 in a 40 lane and keeping me from my destination. Alas, things have gone downhill but what I am grateful for is that I know God is still waiting for me. He's not going anywhere. He's not tapping His foot impatiently. Hopefully, I'll run back to His open arms sooner rather than later.-Modesty
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