Lately I have been so confused about what direction to take in my life. Having begun school again, full time, I am feeling a lot of pressure and stress. I feel like I am pulled in two different directions. There is a part of me that wants to finish school, by any means necessary. There is another part of me that wants the instant gratification, the side of me that wants to sleep in and spend my time doing fun things, not reading boring books for school. That same side of me knows that if I wasn't investing so much time on school and school related activities, I could get a second job or a better job, and have more income.
I want my children to see me succeed. I want them to see that despite the fact we live in a very poor city, where most of the people barely graduate high school, that a person can beat the odds. Getting a degree would obviously mean more money, but then there are different ways to get more money that do not involve hour upon hour of sitting in classes and getting lectured. What is the real motivation, I wonder? The motivation is what puzzles me. If I don't know why I am getting a degree, or if the motivation seems superficial, than why am I still pursuing it after so many years?
This is where God comes in, or where He should come in anyway. I admit, my relationship with the Lord has not been what it was a few years ago, or what it could be if I put forth a little more effort. Sure, I say a quick prayer on the ride to work, and every now and then, if I am feeling very energized, I might even spend fifteen minutes reading the Bible and talking to God. For the most part though, my efforts to get to know God on an intimate level again, have been lacking. Not having God be a constant part of my daily life has affected me greatly, yet I still find that I am stuck.
There was a time, before I got married, when God was my all. I was a single mother of two with a very low income. I had no choice but to turn to God and trust in Him to provide for me and my children. During this time I spent hours praying, I devoted so much time to getting to know God and fixing myself. I got to know God in an intimate way that many people never bother to pursue. Even though money was tight and oftentimes things seemed to be falling apart, during this time I had utter faith that God would come through-and He did, time and time again.
I long for those days when my faith took me places the physical realm would not. I long for the days when I had peace, no matter what was going on around me, when I had a constant reassurance that things would turn out okay. It's not that I no longer believe God, but rather that the faith I have now is diluted a bit, watered down with the cares of this world. When God was number one, I didn't spend hours debating if a choice I was making or thinking to make was the correct choice. I would pray about it, ask God for guidance, He would lead me and there would be peace. I knew the decisions I was making were the right ones. Now however, I feel all alone when making decisions. I am angry because I know that if I spent time talking to God, He would lead me in the right direction. He would tell me if I was pursuing a degree for the wrong reasons. He wouldn't sugarcoat things. He would give it to me straight. But since I have chosen to keep God on a backburner, I have to stumble around in the dark, desperately seeking the answers I want.
Once you have had an encounter with God, you will never be the same. Being on an intimate level with God, and then not having that relationship to hold on to anymore is devestating. I know God loves me, nothing will ever shake that belief, but instead of being a close companion like He once was in my life, he is more of an associate I wave to on my way to get coffee in the morning. "Hey God, how are ya today?" He waves, and I keep on walking by. I don't stay and chat with Him. I don't pull out a chair and sit with Him over coffee. I don't tell Him how things are sucking in my life right now, and how I'm aimlessly grasping at the wind. I don't tell Him how empty life has been since I walked away from Him four years ago. No. I wave casually and then rush to my office cubicle, hoping He won't follow me inside.
I know God wants a relationship with me, and I desperately want one with Him, but my sneaking suspicion is that the very bad thing I did four years ago, is keeping me from entering into a relationship with Him again. Yeah, I screwed up pretty bad four years ago, and it totally blew my relationship with God off course. I could have gotten up from that bad situation, brushed myself off, repented, and kept the momentum of our relationship going, but instead I allowed my sin to drive a wedge between us. Things have never been the same.
I need God. My heart longs for Him. My soul cries out for Him. I feel like a lonely wanderer on this earth. I love my husband and my family, but nothing compares to Jesus, nothing ever will. My marriage has changed, I feel it in the atmosphere. I need God to intervene, but I won't take the time to talk to Him. I am at a crossroads in my life about whether to continue with my education or pursue other dreams I have, but I have no compass to point me in the right direction. If I prayed earnestly, if I got off the computer, turned off the tv, prayed and waited for an answer, I know I would have peace. I know the thunderings, and the things that are bubbling in my marriage would be calm. I could have peace and rest...but I choose a different route. A route of procrastination. The route that allows for idle time and passionless pursuits. The route of media overload that numbs my senses to what I am missing out on. It is the easy route. On this route I don't have to bare myself to God, I don't have to face the past four years and the mistakes I have made. I can put it off for another day and hope that God doesn't choose this day to return...because then He would find me unprepared.
I don't know where you are in your walk with God, or if you even believe in Him at all, but I know we share a common thread of hoping for the future. Do we not all have hopes, dreams we aspire to, great aspirations for our children? We do. What I know is that these aspirations mean nothing if my relationship with Christ is not correct. One day (maybe) I will walk across the stage and accept my Masters degree in social work. One day, I will have the house in a nice neighborhood, a neighborhood where children have more than empty cans and trash to play with. One day I will have the nice car, and all the nice things that money can buy, but if I don't have God, if I only have a fraction of Him in my life, than it is worthless. It has no meaning. Life has no meaning without Him. Direction for my life is what I need at this moment in time, but meaning for my life is the ultimate goal. I hope one day I will get there.
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