Would it be wrong if I got a divorce? No, seriously. What I really want to do right now is pack up all my stuff and leave, and go anywhere but in this house. As a matter of fact, I really don't even need to pack up all my stuff, I would be happy to leave with just the clothes on my back if it meant I could actually have some peace. I actually dread coming home, and that's sad. I have been working tons of extra hours at work, not just to make money, but mostly so I don't have to be in this house. How do you do from loving someone with all that is in you, to not even wanting to be around them? That is so, so sad.
My mood fluctuates on almost a daily basis, but this is where I am today: I am so sick and tired of dealing with the drama, the fighting, the petty crap that I want out by any means necessary. I feel like we are prolonging the inevitable, and I am coming to the point where I don't care anymore. Obviously, it would tear me apart if I were to get a divorce from my husband, but at the same time I am envisioning my life prior to meeting him; happy and drama free. This is the trap that we fall into. I hear the serpent in my ear saying, "Did God really say...", and I myself am wondering, "Did God really say I should not get a divorce?"
But why can't I get a divorce? If you marry one person, and a few years later you wind up with someone completely different because they have changed so much, why can't you leave them? I feel like the person I married does not exist anymore. Occasionally I get glimmers of him peeking through this stranger, like when he made me coffee the other day just because...but for the most part, the man I married does not exist anymore. He is not a horrible person, by any stretch of the imagination, but he is not the person I met several years ago. So I find myself asking the Lord, "How much longer, Oh God, must I wait?" Will God move on my marriage and my husband before it is too late, before the word is spoken that cannot be taken back, or the action done that cannot be undone? Or will He sit back and watch us self-destruct? Today, God does not feel near, and it feels like He really does not care if my marriage survives, because if He did, wouldn't He have answered my prayers by now?
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