I am not the jealous type. I do not envy those with bigger homes than mine, or those who drive fancier cars. I do not aspire to the highest position at my job, or long to follow in the footsteps of those who have nice degrees under their belt. But there is a certain type of person that I often find myself envying...and that is the Christian who has it altogether.
I know what you are thinking, "How can you be jealous of another Christian?". Hey, I warned you when I first got started here that I wasn't a perfect Christian, and now you get to see my ugly side. Let me first clarify that I am not talking about the envy that makes you want to scratch out someones eyes or roast them over a slow fire, but rather I am talking about the envy that comes from longing for something that you do not have and it is tinged with sadness and want. It is not vicious, or hateful, it is quiet and somber. That is how I feel about those who seemingly are joyously riding out the God walk with only the slightest bump along the journey.
I know I am probably totally wrong, but in my mind the perfect Christian was raised in a two parent home, where both parents took the time to teach them about the Lord. They have a firm foundation on which to build. I am talking about the Christian who saw a loving marital relationship played out before their eyes. Because they were not born of illegitimate sex like I was, they saved themselves for marriage or at worst maybe had one mistake before getting married. Their past is not marked with various names and regrets like mine is. Since they saw a great marriage filled with love and communication, they have no problem calmly talking out their feelings with their spouses. They do not have outbursts or stay under the cover for days because they had a disagreement with their spouse. This perfect Christian never felt the sting of rejection, so they do not fly into a panic when things go awry in their marriage.
I envy the perfect Christian because their home life was filled with fun and mutual respect. They know how to teach their children about the Lord, because they saw it modeled. Not like me, totally clueless on where to start, and when I do start I stop because I get frustrated. They see me praying all the time in my room, but based on the terrible turn my oldest child took I have to assume that wasn't enough.
I am angry today, and this is nothing new. Every now and again I go into pity-mode. There are people who have it much worse than I do, so I feel like such a loser when I complain, but darn if I don't feel shortchanged. I've been walking this road with the Lord for about eight years now and I swear sometimes I feel like I haven't learned a thing yet. I wonder if those perfect Christians doubt like I do. I'm not talking about a fleeting doubt on whether the mortgage will get paid, but the unhealthy doubt that maybe there isn't a God after all. Wait, I'm how many years into this walk? Yup, and every now and then I wonder...what if this is all an illusion?
When you are shaking in the corner with bloodshot eyes and snot running down your nose because you have cried so hard, the perfect Christian pats you on the back and tells you to "pray more" or "believe more", as if the last two years you've just been sitting around twiddling your thumbs. The perfect Christian thinks you are flawed because you haven't grasped yet that God has your best interest at heart; it's hard to believe that sometimes when the last two years have been pure hell, when every time you get your hopes up and think that God has finally worked it out, you realize that nothing has actually changed at all.
I want to say to the perfect Christian, the one who has never had to deal with a marriage that is falling apart or a child who is insistent on going to jail before he is fifteen that I have prayed. I have believed. I have prayed and cried, cried and prayed. I have fasted, I have read my Bible. I've looked on the inside to see if their was any hidden sin. I have asked the Lord to help me accept what I cannot change. In fact, I think I have prayed every prayer that I could. I haven't really gotten an answer to any of them. When I prayed every prayer that I could and did everything I could think of, I did what Donnie McClurkin suggested and just "stood". And then when I couldn't stand any longer I threw myself on the bed, and refused to talk to anybody.
I think it is nice that some people have a really awesome relationship with the Lord, but it makes me question my own relationship with Him. I wonder why one week I am up and the next week I am down. Why one day I am totally convinced that God can and will do anything and the next day I am not sure about anything at all. I don't know where I stand, I falter, I fall...way more than it seems the average Christian does. The only thing I am convinced of today is that most of the things I have prayed for haven't come to pass in the last year and a half.
To all you who have it all figured out, I envy you.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
A Testimony
I am truly thankful today, for the Lord is good! The last time I wrote I was truly in a desperate situation. The noose was tightening around my neck, and I thought for sure my marriage was coming to an end, but I am so happy to say that God is who He is for a reason! God came through for me and in the matter of a few weeks, God has turned everything around in my favor.
You're probably wondering what wonderful thing God did. I have a testimony, but I'm not going to testify about how God changed my husband or how He made everything perfect overnight. God didn't change my circumstance, but He changed me. Hallelujah.
During the past year, I faced challenges in my marriage and with my oldest child that would bring a person to their knees begging for mercy (yes, I did too!). I thought I was doing the right type of praying, making sure to ask God to fix me as well as my husband. I acknowledged my faults and asked God to help me get better. I prayed for my husband to get better and for my marriage to get better. My prayers seemed to fall on deaf ears, to the point where I truly began to question the existence of God.
It all came to a head the middle of September. It was my fourth wedding anniversary and my husband and I had been going at it. I had begun to spend more and more time by myself in the bedroom while he was in a separate part of the home because I was positive this was the only thing that would keep us from arguing. I was so down cast about the state of my marriage that I didn't even want to celebrate it. When my husband came home, he found me secluded in the room with no evidence that I even cared about the anniversary. Fittingly, he did not even say "Happy Anniversary" to me. That was it. It was the final straw.
I gathered all my belongings together and moved into the spare bedroom, leaving behind a scathing letter for him about how he ruined everything. There, I didn't even cry. I was too angry about what my husband didn't do. I spent the night in restless sleep thinking about how my life was going to change from that moment on. I fantasized about beginning a new life without him and how difficult it was going to be to find a new place. I had thought about those things in the past, but this time I knew we were truly through. As I spent the night tossing and turning, it started becoming very real to me that my marriage was really done, and things would never be the same.
In the morning my husband tried to talk to me. I was hostile and angry, and gladly listed, for perhaps the millionth time, all the things he did wrong and how he was ruining our marriage. I went to work without saying bye. When I returned home later that day, I found that my husband had moved all my items back into our shared room. A little light twinkled inside of me. I realized then how much my husband still loved me. He didn't say a word, but his action pumped a little life into me.
When I thought over the events of the day, I realized how his one action began to melt me on the inside and I began thinking about how important and critical that action was. I thought about how that one action made such a big difference on the inside of me. I then began to think about my own actions, and almost immediately God made it clear to me how my actions could affect my husband's day just as much as his could affect mine. I was always waiting for him to make the first move or to make things right, not comprehending that he was feeding off of my negative emotions just as much as I was feeding off of his. It was a vicious cycle, and we were each waiting for the other to initiate the healing.
There were things going on in my husband's life that began the downward spiral, but instead responding to what I perceived he was doing in a positive way, I responded with anger and negativity, but yet expected him to respond to me with love. Duh! I am not taking all the responsibility for where my marriage was headed, and in truth still feel my husbands issues contributed a lot to the trouble we landed in, but nonetheless I learned that it isn't a kid game of "who started it", because who started it is inconsequential.
When the poop hit the fan on my anniversary, I was at one of my lowest points. But then God told me the word: DETERMINATION. Previously, I was the type who was willing to wave the white flag as soon as things got a little difficult, but finally I understood what being determined meant. Satan would have loved nothing more than for me to walk out on a marriage that was salvageable.
So what happens when you get DETERMINED? When you get determined you make a decision to get what you need, no matter what it takes. I fasted. I stopped asking God to give me what I wanted and instead asked for joy no matter what the circumstances were. A miracle happened. My relationship that was on a downward spiral, improved in a matter of days, because I made a decision to maintain my joy no matter what the circumstances were. I made a decision to stop letting my emotions rule me. How can you be sane and levelheaded when you are allowing your emotions to control you? Exactly, you can't.
I am so excited about what God has done for me, and this is just the beginning. I just want to encourage you to hang on. Help is on the way. We might not have the same situation, but whatever your particular situation is, I know that God will come through for you the same way He has for me. God bless
You're probably wondering what wonderful thing God did. I have a testimony, but I'm not going to testify about how God changed my husband or how He made everything perfect overnight. God didn't change my circumstance, but He changed me. Hallelujah.
During the past year, I faced challenges in my marriage and with my oldest child that would bring a person to their knees begging for mercy (yes, I did too!). I thought I was doing the right type of praying, making sure to ask God to fix me as well as my husband. I acknowledged my faults and asked God to help me get better. I prayed for my husband to get better and for my marriage to get better. My prayers seemed to fall on deaf ears, to the point where I truly began to question the existence of God.
It all came to a head the middle of September. It was my fourth wedding anniversary and my husband and I had been going at it. I had begun to spend more and more time by myself in the bedroom while he was in a separate part of the home because I was positive this was the only thing that would keep us from arguing. I was so down cast about the state of my marriage that I didn't even want to celebrate it. When my husband came home, he found me secluded in the room with no evidence that I even cared about the anniversary. Fittingly, he did not even say "Happy Anniversary" to me. That was it. It was the final straw.
I gathered all my belongings together and moved into the spare bedroom, leaving behind a scathing letter for him about how he ruined everything. There, I didn't even cry. I was too angry about what my husband didn't do. I spent the night in restless sleep thinking about how my life was going to change from that moment on. I fantasized about beginning a new life without him and how difficult it was going to be to find a new place. I had thought about those things in the past, but this time I knew we were truly through. As I spent the night tossing and turning, it started becoming very real to me that my marriage was really done, and things would never be the same.
In the morning my husband tried to talk to me. I was hostile and angry, and gladly listed, for perhaps the millionth time, all the things he did wrong and how he was ruining our marriage. I went to work without saying bye. When I returned home later that day, I found that my husband had moved all my items back into our shared room. A little light twinkled inside of me. I realized then how much my husband still loved me. He didn't say a word, but his action pumped a little life into me.
When I thought over the events of the day, I realized how his one action began to melt me on the inside and I began thinking about how important and critical that action was. I thought about how that one action made such a big difference on the inside of me. I then began to think about my own actions, and almost immediately God made it clear to me how my actions could affect my husband's day just as much as his could affect mine. I was always waiting for him to make the first move or to make things right, not comprehending that he was feeding off of my negative emotions just as much as I was feeding off of his. It was a vicious cycle, and we were each waiting for the other to initiate the healing.
There were things going on in my husband's life that began the downward spiral, but instead responding to what I perceived he was doing in a positive way, I responded with anger and negativity, but yet expected him to respond to me with love. Duh! I am not taking all the responsibility for where my marriage was headed, and in truth still feel my husbands issues contributed a lot to the trouble we landed in, but nonetheless I learned that it isn't a kid game of "who started it", because who started it is inconsequential.
When the poop hit the fan on my anniversary, I was at one of my lowest points. But then God told me the word: DETERMINATION. Previously, I was the type who was willing to wave the white flag as soon as things got a little difficult, but finally I understood what being determined meant. Satan would have loved nothing more than for me to walk out on a marriage that was salvageable.
So what happens when you get DETERMINED? When you get determined you make a decision to get what you need, no matter what it takes. I fasted. I stopped asking God to give me what I wanted and instead asked for joy no matter what the circumstances were. A miracle happened. My relationship that was on a downward spiral, improved in a matter of days, because I made a decision to maintain my joy no matter what the circumstances were. I made a decision to stop letting my emotions rule me. How can you be sane and levelheaded when you are allowing your emotions to control you? Exactly, you can't.
I am so excited about what God has done for me, and this is just the beginning. I just want to encourage you to hang on. Help is on the way. We might not have the same situation, but whatever your particular situation is, I know that God will come through for you the same way He has for me. God bless
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Sad
The one thing I always have a difficult time understanding is why I give so much of myself to people who never feel compelled to give me more than their leftover emotions. As stated before, I am hardly perfect, but God knows that I put so much effort into considering the emotions of others. I am sure I've hurt people before and make mistakes, but at my core I truly love the people I profess to love, and give them all I have to give in terms of love.
I felt that unconditional love from my husband for the first few years of our marriage. What I have now is really just a glimmer of what could have been and what once was. I forgive, but am not forgiven. I overlook faults, but my faults are magnified. I keep coming up against a brick wall and I find myself wondering so often now if it is even worth it to continue to put myself through all the emotional ups and downs.
I have cried out to God, over and over again but I keep finding myself wondering if this marriage is really meant to be. I look to the Bible for wisdom and I know what the Bible says about marriage. However, I am a firm believe that we only live once. How much longer can I stay here knowing, or at least feeling that I am not loved, and that everything I do is wrong? If my marriage ends at least I can walk away knowing that I put 110% into keeping it together. It's just sad that I am the only one who is trying.
This blog was never meant to be a chronicle about my marriage, and it's demise, but this is what it evolved into. I really feel like giving up once and for all, and being done with it, and just starting over. This has been going on for waaaaay too long now. I'm tired of being the only one who cares anymore. This only confirms what I believed when I was younger, that true love does not exist. It's official: in my world, real love does not exist.
I felt that unconditional love from my husband for the first few years of our marriage. What I have now is really just a glimmer of what could have been and what once was. I forgive, but am not forgiven. I overlook faults, but my faults are magnified. I keep coming up against a brick wall and I find myself wondering so often now if it is even worth it to continue to put myself through all the emotional ups and downs.
I have cried out to God, over and over again but I keep finding myself wondering if this marriage is really meant to be. I look to the Bible for wisdom and I know what the Bible says about marriage. However, I am a firm believe that we only live once. How much longer can I stay here knowing, or at least feeling that I am not loved, and that everything I do is wrong? If my marriage ends at least I can walk away knowing that I put 110% into keeping it together. It's just sad that I am the only one who is trying.
This blog was never meant to be a chronicle about my marriage, and it's demise, but this is what it evolved into. I really feel like giving up once and for all, and being done with it, and just starting over. This has been going on for waaaaay too long now. I'm tired of being the only one who cares anymore. This only confirms what I believed when I was younger, that true love does not exist. It's official: in my world, real love does not exist.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Changes
So in my quest to stay away from writing about negativity, I have not been writing much. I'm here tonight because I have good and bad news. The situation in my family has gotten decidedly worse, but the good news is that I find my relationship with the Lord blossoming after being stagnant for so long.
A few weeks ago I came to a really low point in my walk. For the first time since I got saved 8 years ago, I found myself truly questioning the existence of God. Things around the home had gotten so bad, and the pressure had been mounting for so long and it really seemed like there was no hope in sight. I called on God for help, prayed, and even went on a fast once. The silence I got was deafening. Everything stayed the same. There was not even a glimmer of things beginning to move in the right direction.
I began to wonder if maybe this was all just a big joke. What if the hostile atheists I kept running into on the internet were actually on to something? What if they were right in saying there was no God? After waiting and waiting with no response, this idea began to really make sense to me. I knew where I was heading was dangerous, because in my opinion, once I had made up in my mind, for sure that there was no God, it was something I was going to stick with, no turning back.
As I saw myself inching closer and closer to the point of return, I decided to give it one last try with God. I made a concerted effort to start taking time out to pray, instead of simply saying my "driving to work" prayer. It's like a floodgate was lifted. Almost immediately I began to feel God's presence, and it really made all the difference.
Life is still the same. Troubles come and go..but mostly they come. I used to call myself an eternal pessimist, but I am beginning to learn to speak positive things over my life. My extended family is pretty much broken, and my real father left shortly after I was born. Besides my grandmother's prayers, I sincerely doubt there was anyone who prayed for me or blessed me when I was little. I am coming to the realization that if I want blessings I need to start speaking them into my life, because no one else will.
It is a slow going process. Just yesterday I had what I call a meltdown. This is when I finally reach the end of my rope and pretty much lose any semblance of rational thinking. It's when I want to lay in the bed and just forget about everything, all my obligations, all my troubles...everything. It doesn't happen often, but it's happened a few times and it really sucks for all involved.
Before, I would get really down on myself about having a meltdown, and while I am upset that I succumbed to the enemy, I also see it as being confirmation of just how much I really need God in my life. When I look over my past, I see all the filth I've picked up along the journey. I wasn't born being angry, pessimistic, rebellious, and aggressive. I picked those things up along the way from the environment I was born into, and because of the relationships I've had, and situations I put myself in. All these icky things are sticking to me, and they are like fifty pound weights I have to constantly lug around. Without a doubt, I need God, Jesus, My Lord and Savior, to clean me up and transform me.
The first step for me is to stop making excuses. I have a tendency to explain away my behavior by saying things like, "This is just the way I am," or, "I've always been this way." None of those things are true, and in fact, they are lies straight from the pit of hell. I have a choice in the matter even though it often does not feel that way. I really want to be free from all this and I am trusting that God is going to help me out along the way.
So what I do now is to continue praying. I understand now that my prayers are effective. Although I know God can change people overnight, most of the time it is a process. What I have to believe is that even if I do not wake up tomorrow to the marriage I once had, I have to believe that when my prayer goes forth, God is working in the unseen realm. My hope is that you will continue to press toward the mark of the high calling in Jesus Christ. The darkest hour is just before dawn. Don't give up yet!
A few weeks ago I came to a really low point in my walk. For the first time since I got saved 8 years ago, I found myself truly questioning the existence of God. Things around the home had gotten so bad, and the pressure had been mounting for so long and it really seemed like there was no hope in sight. I called on God for help, prayed, and even went on a fast once. The silence I got was deafening. Everything stayed the same. There was not even a glimmer of things beginning to move in the right direction.
I began to wonder if maybe this was all just a big joke. What if the hostile atheists I kept running into on the internet were actually on to something? What if they were right in saying there was no God? After waiting and waiting with no response, this idea began to really make sense to me. I knew where I was heading was dangerous, because in my opinion, once I had made up in my mind, for sure that there was no God, it was something I was going to stick with, no turning back.
As I saw myself inching closer and closer to the point of return, I decided to give it one last try with God. I made a concerted effort to start taking time out to pray, instead of simply saying my "driving to work" prayer. It's like a floodgate was lifted. Almost immediately I began to feel God's presence, and it really made all the difference.
Life is still the same. Troubles come and go..but mostly they come. I used to call myself an eternal pessimist, but I am beginning to learn to speak positive things over my life. My extended family is pretty much broken, and my real father left shortly after I was born. Besides my grandmother's prayers, I sincerely doubt there was anyone who prayed for me or blessed me when I was little. I am coming to the realization that if I want blessings I need to start speaking them into my life, because no one else will.
It is a slow going process. Just yesterday I had what I call a meltdown. This is when I finally reach the end of my rope and pretty much lose any semblance of rational thinking. It's when I want to lay in the bed and just forget about everything, all my obligations, all my troubles...everything. It doesn't happen often, but it's happened a few times and it really sucks for all involved.
Before, I would get really down on myself about having a meltdown, and while I am upset that I succumbed to the enemy, I also see it as being confirmation of just how much I really need God in my life. When I look over my past, I see all the filth I've picked up along the journey. I wasn't born being angry, pessimistic, rebellious, and aggressive. I picked those things up along the way from the environment I was born into, and because of the relationships I've had, and situations I put myself in. All these icky things are sticking to me, and they are like fifty pound weights I have to constantly lug around. Without a doubt, I need God, Jesus, My Lord and Savior, to clean me up and transform me.
The first step for me is to stop making excuses. I have a tendency to explain away my behavior by saying things like, "This is just the way I am," or, "I've always been this way." None of those things are true, and in fact, they are lies straight from the pit of hell. I have a choice in the matter even though it often does not feel that way. I really want to be free from all this and I am trusting that God is going to help me out along the way.
So what I do now is to continue praying. I understand now that my prayers are effective. Although I know God can change people overnight, most of the time it is a process. What I have to believe is that even if I do not wake up tomorrow to the marriage I once had, I have to believe that when my prayer goes forth, God is working in the unseen realm. My hope is that you will continue to press toward the mark of the high calling in Jesus Christ. The darkest hour is just before dawn. Don't give up yet!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
You Have your Own Issues..
and that is why I have prolonged posting anything. I wish I was back to share with you good news, but alas, things are still miserable. I want to tell you that God has fixed every situation, but that just isn't true. For whatever reason, God has chosen to be silent during the trials which have presented themselves.
I'm not a cry baby. I've had my share of troubles, and through them all, I have managed to trust God and keep a certain level of faith. This is like no other time. I find myself questioning God and his plans for my life and my marriage. I find myself wondering if everything has been a lie. Honestly, I don't know what to believe anymore. It's not that I have folded in the face of adversity. It took me a long time to get to this point. Up until a few weeks ago, I think I was handling the situation pretty well. I tried to see the bright side of things and tried to maintain hope that things would turn out okay...I just don't know anymore.
My mother used to tell me if I didn't have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say anything at all. This is why I haven't written in so long. I have nothing else nice to say. At this point I am simply trying to make it through any given day. I sure hope that your situation is fairing better than mine.
I'm not a cry baby. I've had my share of troubles, and through them all, I have managed to trust God and keep a certain level of faith. This is like no other time. I find myself questioning God and his plans for my life and my marriage. I find myself wondering if everything has been a lie. Honestly, I don't know what to believe anymore. It's not that I have folded in the face of adversity. It took me a long time to get to this point. Up until a few weeks ago, I think I was handling the situation pretty well. I tried to see the bright side of things and tried to maintain hope that things would turn out okay...I just don't know anymore.
My mother used to tell me if I didn't have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say anything at all. This is why I haven't written in so long. I have nothing else nice to say. At this point I am simply trying to make it through any given day. I sure hope that your situation is fairing better than mine.
Monday, May 23, 2011
The Saga Continues
I never thought I would have to wonder about God's love for me. As a "mature" Christian, I thought the days of doubt and questioning were over, yet I find myself now, about seven years into my Christian walk, seriously considering whether God really does have my best interest at heart. I find myself questioning my faith, and wondering why God has seemingly abandoned me in one of my great hours of need. For a year I have held on to my faith, and believed it would carry me through every situation, but after going from one battle to the next with what feels like very little help from God, I am highly doubting that faith will be enough.
In the latest series of events I find myself having to find somewhere for my twelve year old son to live. The drama began back in December when I found out he had been spreading a pregnancy rumor via a social networking site about his girlfriend (a girlfriend he was not supposed to have). When the poo hit the fan I found some questionable text messages on a cellphone he had (again, one he was not supposed to have). Since then, there have been moments of calm, but for the most part, it feels like he keeps getting himself into trouble.
Any time a child gets in trouble, the parent or parents usually wonder what they have done to cause the behavior. I am no different. Although there is a part of me which understands he alone is responsible for his actions and the choices he makes, I still can't help but wonder what part I have played in what appears to be his mission to self destruct. Inevitably, I keep coming back to my own teen years, and the hell I put my mother through. I cannot help but to wonder if I am being paid back for what I put her through. My actions as a mother are under my own microscope, and without a doubt I am seeing things I could have, should have, would have done that could have prevented everything that is happening now.
I am not perfect by a long shot, but I feel that I have done all within my power to provide my children with a loving and supportive home. I like to think I give my children the perfect balance of structure, discipline, and freedom, but I have no choice but to rethink that stand when I see what is happening right now. The main thing that bothers me is knowing I did not do all I could to instill in them a love for Christ. When they were younger we went to church, but in the last few years, besides summer bible camp, interactions with Christ have been few and far between. My children can quote scripture, they understand the premise of Christianity, and they are aware of and have the knowledge of the saving grace of Jesus Christ, but for the most part, I notice a major disconnect between them and God. In fact, it is glaringly obvious to me that they lack relationship with Him. Yet, I sit back and expect for this to right itself instead of doing what I can to encourage a true relationship with the King.
My children are not the only problem. In addition to the constant stream of negative news concerning my son, I also have had to deal with marital problems that have been going on for what seems like forever. The worst part, it seems like, is over, but we aren't cruising just yet. It seems like once a week another issue arises in my marriage. You know what? I'm tired, fried, and losing my resolve. For the past year I have prayed and prayed. I've even thrown in a fast here and there, and yet I still find myself at point A. I admit it, the devil has my life in a vice grip, and I am on the floor begging for mercy, but mercy does not come.
I want to believe God sees everything that is happening and cares for me. I've already replayed in my mind a million times the typical happy Christian responses, "God is working it out for my good," "This too shall pass," and, "It's only a test." Repeating these phrases over and over again sustains me for only a little while, but in no time I find myself, once again wondering if in fact, "this too will pass". From what I see, Satan has no intention of loosening his grip anytime soon, and God has no intention of stepping in to stop him anytime soon. Until then, I suppose I am to continue having faith that things will work out, and that God really, truly does care about my situation. The only problem is that I am not totally convinced at this point that God does care about my situation, because if He did, surely He would have stepped in by now.
Patience has never been a virtue of mine. Since God is All Knowing, He knows this. Why then, does the Lord think I have the patience, emotional stability, and spiritual strength to deal with all the nonsense that is going on now? Here's what I want to do at this point: I want to jump on a plane to another country, forget about everyone in my life and all my problems, and start my life all over again. Really, it shouldn't be that hard, seeing that at the age of thirty I really have nothing to show for my life thus far. I have a part time job, no property, no degree, no assets, no money...yeah, shouldn't be too hard to start over.
I do not like the place I am in right now. I feel attacked, stressed, and all alone. I search for God and He is nowhere to be found. I pray, and nothing happens, or rather there is temporary change with no real evidence of permanent change. I fast, and things heat up even more. What am I supposed to think? Am I really supposed to believe that a God who knows my patience is just about up would continue to allow the crap to happen, and then punish or be unhappy with me when I pack up and leave? I am supposed to stay married, and yet I do not see God doing much to make my marriage bearable. I am supposed to be here for my children to the bitter end, and yet I do not see God doing much to keep them in line or keep them from self destructing. So, as usual, and as with everything else, it falls back on me, and the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
In the latest series of events I find myself having to find somewhere for my twelve year old son to live. The drama began back in December when I found out he had been spreading a pregnancy rumor via a social networking site about his girlfriend (a girlfriend he was not supposed to have). When the poo hit the fan I found some questionable text messages on a cellphone he had (again, one he was not supposed to have). Since then, there have been moments of calm, but for the most part, it feels like he keeps getting himself into trouble.
Any time a child gets in trouble, the parent or parents usually wonder what they have done to cause the behavior. I am no different. Although there is a part of me which understands he alone is responsible for his actions and the choices he makes, I still can't help but wonder what part I have played in what appears to be his mission to self destruct. Inevitably, I keep coming back to my own teen years, and the hell I put my mother through. I cannot help but to wonder if I am being paid back for what I put her through. My actions as a mother are under my own microscope, and without a doubt I am seeing things I could have, should have, would have done that could have prevented everything that is happening now.
I am not perfect by a long shot, but I feel that I have done all within my power to provide my children with a loving and supportive home. I like to think I give my children the perfect balance of structure, discipline, and freedom, but I have no choice but to rethink that stand when I see what is happening right now. The main thing that bothers me is knowing I did not do all I could to instill in them a love for Christ. When they were younger we went to church, but in the last few years, besides summer bible camp, interactions with Christ have been few and far between. My children can quote scripture, they understand the premise of Christianity, and they are aware of and have the knowledge of the saving grace of Jesus Christ, but for the most part, I notice a major disconnect between them and God. In fact, it is glaringly obvious to me that they lack relationship with Him. Yet, I sit back and expect for this to right itself instead of doing what I can to encourage a true relationship with the King.
My children are not the only problem. In addition to the constant stream of negative news concerning my son, I also have had to deal with marital problems that have been going on for what seems like forever. The worst part, it seems like, is over, but we aren't cruising just yet. It seems like once a week another issue arises in my marriage. You know what? I'm tired, fried, and losing my resolve. For the past year I have prayed and prayed. I've even thrown in a fast here and there, and yet I still find myself at point A. I admit it, the devil has my life in a vice grip, and I am on the floor begging for mercy, but mercy does not come.
I want to believe God sees everything that is happening and cares for me. I've already replayed in my mind a million times the typical happy Christian responses, "God is working it out for my good," "This too shall pass," and, "It's only a test." Repeating these phrases over and over again sustains me for only a little while, but in no time I find myself, once again wondering if in fact, "this too will pass". From what I see, Satan has no intention of loosening his grip anytime soon, and God has no intention of stepping in to stop him anytime soon. Until then, I suppose I am to continue having faith that things will work out, and that God really, truly does care about my situation. The only problem is that I am not totally convinced at this point that God does care about my situation, because if He did, surely He would have stepped in by now.
Patience has never been a virtue of mine. Since God is All Knowing, He knows this. Why then, does the Lord think I have the patience, emotional stability, and spiritual strength to deal with all the nonsense that is going on now? Here's what I want to do at this point: I want to jump on a plane to another country, forget about everyone in my life and all my problems, and start my life all over again. Really, it shouldn't be that hard, seeing that at the age of thirty I really have nothing to show for my life thus far. I have a part time job, no property, no degree, no assets, no money...yeah, shouldn't be too hard to start over.
I do not like the place I am in right now. I feel attacked, stressed, and all alone. I search for God and He is nowhere to be found. I pray, and nothing happens, or rather there is temporary change with no real evidence of permanent change. I fast, and things heat up even more. What am I supposed to think? Am I really supposed to believe that a God who knows my patience is just about up would continue to allow the crap to happen, and then punish or be unhappy with me when I pack up and leave? I am supposed to stay married, and yet I do not see God doing much to make my marriage bearable. I am supposed to be here for my children to the bitter end, and yet I do not see God doing much to keep them in line or keep them from self destructing. So, as usual, and as with everything else, it falls back on me, and the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
Monday, April 18, 2011
In the Midst of the Storm
At this point, I have no choice but to wonder where God is in my situation. There is a part of me that has faith that God will come through, but there is another part of me who truly feels God has totally forgotten about my situation. When the New Year was approaching, I felt a fire inside of me. I was totally convinced, and felt in my spirit that this was going to be year of great miracles and wonders. Now I find myself wondering if maybe I was mistaken. A quarter of the year is over, and while there are some areas that have improved, it seems like every day another wave is crashing against my ship. Bad news, bad attitudes, and bad situations keep arising.
At times, I applaud myself at my ability to keep my composure and faith in the midst of all the negativity. Other days, it's a wonder that I don't just fold up and give up. I always try to have words of encouragement but today I am almost at a loss. The best encouragement I can muster up is to say that the storm can not last always. One day, be it tomorrow or ten years from now, the storm has to let up. So if you are going through your own storm, know that there is sunshine waiting on the other side.
At times, I applaud myself at my ability to keep my composure and faith in the midst of all the negativity. Other days, it's a wonder that I don't just fold up and give up. I always try to have words of encouragement but today I am almost at a loss. The best encouragement I can muster up is to say that the storm can not last always. One day, be it tomorrow or ten years from now, the storm has to let up. So if you are going through your own storm, know that there is sunshine waiting on the other side.
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