The Blended Family-Always a Pessimist

So I never intended for this to be a place of constant negativity.  After having a bad day I'm sure you don't want to come here and hear about my bad day.  Since I have no friends and no one to vent to, it happens that this has become the place where I lay out my frustrations.  My frustrations come from many sources as of late.  For about a year prior to this I was coasting. Life was great.  Things were looking up.  I knew to enjoy it because I knew it would not last.  Alas, it came to pass that things are looking down now and have been for the last few months.

It began a few months ago.  My husband and I rarely argue; we discuss.  The last few months have been quite different.  Arguments are springing up out of nowhere, mostly about nonsense.  It's funny that once the arguing starts, you get angry, and then you react to everything in the worst way.  The winds of change have come and the last two weeks have been good on the marriage scene.  But the kids? Well, that's a different story.

In my home it is impossible for all three children to be on their best behavior at the same time.  When one is behaving and being angelic, the other must compensate by being a jerk.  Sulking, back talking, eye rolling...all those annoying little bad habits.  It's bad enough I have to deal with it, it gets worse when my husband has to witness it.  Why? Well, because like most people he and I have slightly different philosophies about how children should be raised and how and when they should be disciplined.  I often find myself wondering if I am handling the situation the right way.

The blended family is very difficult.  God knows how our marriage has coasted along so smoothly considering that fact.  There are times when things get sticky.  When his son from a prior relationship comes to visit for the summer it throws the household in a roar for a few days, until everyone gets adjusted again.  When my son rolls his eyes at my husband things get strained.  I am always in the middle and that is always an uncomfortable position to be in. 

I expect my child to respect my husband.  I would love it so much if their relationship was always smooth but things just don't work out that way.  I feel like it is always a power struggle between them and it annoys me.  I wonder if my son will one day look back and consider how fortunate he was to have a step dad who filled in the gap for his father, and I wonder if my husband will ever look back and think how great it was to have a son to fill in the gap when his other son wasn't around.  Until that day I suppose I will find myself quite often playing the role of referee and mediator.  It's a tough job but someone's got to do it.

Ungrateful Children

It finally hit me, my children are ungrateful.  Yes, I said it.  I have had an inkling of this for some time but I was hopeful that I was just overreacting.  They haven't always been this way.  When they were younger they were happy to go to a restaurant as a treat or to get a buck or two for spending.  As they have gotten older, little treats like this have lost their luster. 

On our trip to the beach the other day my two older children bickered and argued almost the whole way there.  It had something to do with my daughter singing, and her older brother wanting to put a muzzle on her.  I warned, I glared, I almost undid my seatbelt and jumped into the back seat for a good old-fashioned smack down.  Instead, the temperature inside me rose to degrees unseen in a human before. The best was yet to come.

Once on the beach, my older son, sunk into the sand and showed no interest in getting in the ocean.  This didn't deter me from having a good time.  I decided long ago that one monkey doesn't stop a show.  If he wanted to sit and sulk, I was fine with that, but I wasn't going to let him ruin my time.  On the way back, as my husband and I discussed an upcoming solo trip he and I were taking, my step son mumbled under his breath about how we only take them to the beach and never to a hotel with a pool ( a lie).  Even if it had been the truth I still find it hard to understand how our children became so ungrateful.

When I was younger and my mother was on welfare, our idea of an awesome treat was going to the diner once a month for a cheap meal.  Now, going to a restaurant is no biggie.  My children expect it.  It holds no value to them.  I want the best for my children.  I am working hard to make sure they have a better future.  But I have to wonder if my quest to give them better has succeeded in turning them into spoiled brats. To their credit, they don't have tantrums in the store if they can't get what they want, and their Christmas list's are void of the newest electonic gadget, but overall I can tell that the small things in life do not hold much of a thrill to them.  It's sad because it flies in the face of all that I hold to be true...that life is not about what we have but how we live it.  If they can't enjoy a day at the beach now, how will they enjoy it when bills and responsibilities consume most of their time?

After this eye opening adventure I have decided some things need to change.  A coworker approached me with coupons to an indoor waterpark.  I didn't even raise an eyebrow.  "No thank you. My children are ungrateful", was my reply.  I still haven't come up with the solution to this problem, but I have a way of coming up with ingenious ways of getting my point across.  In the meantime, I am planning a trip with my husband to celebrate our anniversary.  As I soak in the hot tub, and swim a few laps in the pool my mind will be free of the nagging voice of guilt that usually says the kids should be here enjoying this too.  Nope, not this time.  They had their chance and they blew it. Now it's my turn.

Struggling Sister and a Helping hand

My sister and I don't have the greatest relationship.  This is a far cry from when we were younger.  Back then we could play with barbies for hours on end.  Mom had to remind us to come eat.  Now, though she lives just a few blocks away from me we rarely have time to talk, or should I say, we really don't have much to talk about.  My sister and I have a few similarities but mostly we are very different.  Our outlooks on life are completely different.  The last time we got together the conversation was so awkward I could hear a pin drop.  It really upsets me that we aren't closer.  It has to do in part with all the drama in her life. I really can't bear to hear the newest sad story, or all the gory details of her most recent argument with her husband.

Still, she needs help...and I know she does because God told me (cue crazy Christian talk).  Well, you know what I mean.  No, I didn't see God this morning.  I didn't give him pointers on what color suit He should wear.  I didn't hear Him audibly. I heard Him in my heart.  It's a feeling...a nagging feeling.  Since God and I aren't as close as we once were I'm not always positive when it's Him speaking or just my own grandiose ideas.  So now what I've learned to do is wait a few days.  I have grandiose ideas on a regular basis..open up a homeless shelter, fly to India and as a missionary, start a huge petition to outlaw liquor in the ghettos, etc, etc.  These thoughts come and go.  On the other hand, when God tells me to do something the thought doesn't go away.  In fact, if I ignore it it gets stronger and stronger, and naggier and naggier ( naggier: adj, def. very nagging)  So for the past week I've had the nagging feeling that my sister could use a few dollars.  I am happy to oblige. I call it, "paying it forward".  Once, when I was very broke and not above standing in church lines to get government food, my mom gave me a gift card to the grocery store.  This was the first time in my adult life that she gave financial assistance.  She did it because God told her to do it, and now I am the giver and not the reciever. 

I don't tell this story to ring my own bell.  It's the web.  I am delightfully anonymous.  I tell it just as a reminder that God is still at work today.  If we listen closely we can hear His voice.  Even a sinner like me can hear His voice.  He is the Shepherd and I am the sheep, and because of this I know His voice.  His voice has gotten fainter because I don't devote the time I should to talking with Him.  There was a time, when I was single and struggling that God was my absolute everything.  I talked to Him in the morning and at night.  It wasn't uncommon for me to spend an hour or two just praying.  During these days, His voice was loud and clear.  Our relationship grew so close.  Now, though I have walked a little further away from Him I am still grateful for that time of bonding.  I know I will never turn away from Him completely.

Just being further from Him has done enough.  I'm angry, unsettled, mean as a rattlesnake at times, and unapologetic.  Please don't ever think from my posts that I'm a saint.  Trust me, you'll catch me on a bad day and you won't believe I'm the same person.  I don't like being this way, and even when my relationship with the Lord was in tip-top shape I can't say I was ever free from all these icky personality faults.  With Him though, they were a little more controlled.  I could more easily control my temper, I tried harder not to be mean, I only honked my horn once at old men who were doing 15 in a 40 lane and keeping me from my destination.  Alas, things have gone downhill but what I am grateful for is that I know God is still waiting for me.  He's not going anywhere. He's not tapping His foot impatiently.  Hopefully, I'll run back to His open arms sooner rather than later.-Modesty

Pity Party

Most days I am content with what I have.  I don't have much and most of the time I don't expect much.  Every now and then though, like days when my account has a zero balance, I start thinking about all the things I don't have and why I don't have them.  So what happened is that in the last two months I got hit with about $40 in fees from the bank. Normally I'm really on point with my account but because of a few mistakes I was out $40.  Now, for lots of people 40 is not much, but for me it is.  This is where the sadness comes in.  Today I am throwing a pity party.  Not so much because I lost $40 that could have been used for something else, but because $40 matters at all.  Why does $40 matter?  If I go to work I should have something to show for it.

I know I shouldn't stress about these things and I try not to.  I have an awesome family and I am in pretty good health.  I'm saved darnit! That should be enough.  The Bible talks about this.  How we see people who don't seem to be good people and it seems like they are prospering and flourishing.  Yet, here we are saved and we are struggling.  Why is that? I pay my tithes, I give to those who are needy, and yet...there always seems to be "just enough", hardly ever "more than enough".  I try to keep a positive outlook. I remind myself that I have been through worse days, and worse things.  I am a survivor of abuse. There was a time when there was no hope.  I was living in the projects at one point.  My life has gotten much better.  That's not going to prevent me from having a pity party today though.  Hey, you're invited if you want to come.  If I had any cake left over from yesterday I would bring that and we could all sit around and stuff ourselves, but alas I ate the last piece.

Just one piece of cake?

Why is it that when I make a cake I can't have just one slice? I have zero willpower. Today I had four, count them, four pieces of chocolate cake with whipped vanilla frosting.  If the cake isn't there I don't worry about it, but if it's in the fridge I must consume a gross amount.  Now I'm bloated and disgusted.  The good news is that I have been trying to eat more fruits and veggies.  I recently found out that my husband, who is a little older than I am, has a better cholesterol and glucose reading than myself.  If that doesn't motivate me, what will?  Sometimes I can be competitive, but most of the time I sulk away in defeat.