I never thought I would have to wonder about God's love for me. As a "mature" Christian, I thought the days of doubt and questioning were over, yet I find myself now, about seven years into my Christian walk, seriously considering whether God really does have my best interest at heart. I find myself questioning my faith, and wondering why God has seemingly abandoned me in one of my great hours of need. For a year I have held on to my faith, and believed it would carry me through every situation, but after going from one battle to the next with what feels like very little help from God, I am highly doubting that faith will be enough.
In the latest series of events I find myself having to find somewhere for my twelve year old son to live. The drama began back in December when I found out he had been spreading a pregnancy rumor via a social networking site about his girlfriend (a girlfriend he was not supposed to have). When the poo hit the fan I found some questionable text messages on a cellphone he had (again, one he was not supposed to have). Since then, there have been moments of calm, but for the most part, it feels like he keeps getting himself into trouble.
Any time a child gets in trouble, the parent or parents usually wonder what they have done to cause the behavior. I am no different. Although there is a part of me which understands he alone is responsible for his actions and the choices he makes, I still can't help but wonder what part I have played in what appears to be his mission to self destruct. Inevitably, I keep coming back to my own teen years, and the hell I put my mother through. I cannot help but to wonder if I am being paid back for what I put her through. My actions as a mother are under my own microscope, and without a doubt I am seeing things I could have, should have, would have done that could have prevented everything that is happening now.
I am not perfect by a long shot, but I feel that I have done all within my power to provide my children with a loving and supportive home. I like to think I give my children the perfect balance of structure, discipline, and freedom, but I have no choice but to rethink that stand when I see what is happening right now. The main thing that bothers me is knowing I did not do all I could to instill in them a love for Christ. When they were younger we went to church, but in the last few years, besides summer bible camp, interactions with Christ have been few and far between. My children can quote scripture, they understand the premise of Christianity, and they are aware of and have the knowledge of the saving grace of Jesus Christ, but for the most part, I notice a major disconnect between them and God. In fact, it is glaringly obvious to me that they lack relationship with Him. Yet, I sit back and expect for this to right itself instead of doing what I can to encourage a true relationship with the King.
My children are not the only problem. In addition to the constant stream of negative news concerning my son, I also have had to deal with marital problems that have been going on for what seems like forever. The worst part, it seems like, is over, but we aren't cruising just yet. It seems like once a week another issue arises in my marriage. You know what? I'm tired, fried, and losing my resolve. For the past year I have prayed and prayed. I've even thrown in a fast here and there, and yet I still find myself at point A. I admit it, the devil has my life in a vice grip, and I am on the floor begging for mercy, but mercy does not come.
I want to believe God sees everything that is happening and cares for me. I've already replayed in my mind a million times the typical happy Christian responses, "God is working it out for my good," "This too shall pass," and, "It's only a test." Repeating these phrases over and over again sustains me for only a little while, but in no time I find myself, once again wondering if in fact, "this too will pass". From what I see, Satan has no intention of loosening his grip anytime soon, and God has no intention of stepping in to stop him anytime soon. Until then, I suppose I am to continue having faith that things will work out, and that God really, truly does care about my situation. The only problem is that I am not totally convinced at this point that God does care about my situation, because if He did, surely He would have stepped in by now.
Patience has never been a virtue of mine. Since God is All Knowing, He knows this. Why then, does the Lord think I have the patience, emotional stability, and spiritual strength to deal with all the nonsense that is going on now? Here's what I want to do at this point: I want to jump on a plane to another country, forget about everyone in my life and all my problems, and start my life all over again. Really, it shouldn't be that hard, seeing that at the age of thirty I really have nothing to show for my life thus far. I have a part time job, no property, no degree, no assets, no money...yeah, shouldn't be too hard to start over.
I do not like the place I am in right now. I feel attacked, stressed, and all alone. I search for God and He is nowhere to be found. I pray, and nothing happens, or rather there is temporary change with no real evidence of permanent change. I fast, and things heat up even more. What am I supposed to think? Am I really supposed to believe that a God who knows my patience is just about up would continue to allow the crap to happen, and then punish or be unhappy with me when I pack up and leave? I am supposed to stay married, and yet I do not see God doing much to make my marriage bearable. I am supposed to be here for my children to the bitter end, and yet I do not see God doing much to keep them in line or keep them from self destructing. So, as usual, and as with everything else, it falls back on me, and the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
