When I first started this blog the intention was just to give an account of a day to day life, and some of the issues that I deal with. The hope was that other Christians out there would learn, by reading this post, that we all have struggles, none of us are perfect. What I never expected is that this might turn into an expose of how my marriage is going down the drain. Life has a way of throwing curve balls, and this situation is no different. Where this will end is beyond me, because I am already at the point where I am frustrated and literally cannot tolerate one more stupid argument.
What bothers me the most is that my husband seems totally oblivious as to how bad this situation has gotten. While he thinks this is simply a bump in the road, I am at the end of my rope and only hanging on because I tied a knot. How long will the knot hold? I don't know. I am part of the problem, and I realize that. There are issues in my past that still effect me today, and I know I have a tendency to see the worst in every situation. Yes, I am a pessimist. I wish that I could blame everything that is happening on being a pessimist but it just is not that simple. There are other forces at work, and at this point I feel powerless to change them.
As a student of Psychology, it is sickly fascinating to watch the demise of my marriage. I have always liked watching how people interact with one another, and guessing why people do the things they do. It is not as fun watching my own psychology experiment, but if I have to take some good out of it, I am sure I will learn a few things about why marriages fall apart. What I find to be kind of weird is that I can almost pinpoint the exact moment my marriage started going downhill. I don't know any other people who have gotten divorced so I wonder if this is a somewhat unique experience. In any event, since that day things have progressively gone downward. It is kind of like I am watching a train wreck that will inevitably happen.
Now you may be wondering where does God come into all this. Well, I wonder the same thing most days. In other words, I often find myself asking God if He is even around and if He even cares about what is happening in my life. Having been through trials in my life, there is a part of me that knows in the toughest time, when I only see one set of footprints in the sand, God is carrying me, but I admit there are days it just doesn't feel like that. At this point I feel like I have tried everything. I prayed, and prayed. I have fasted. I have lost my patience and yelled like a maniac, and thus far it seems like I have gotten nowhere but worse off.
I find myself feeling sorry for myself rather often. I have adopted a “why me” attitude. I know I should be attacking this issue from a standpoint of faith, but as anyone who has been in any kind of struggle will attest, this is easier said than done. At this point I do find myself trying to focus less on the problems and more on taking this as a learning experience. When all is said and done I plan on being with my husband. The word “divorce” runs through my mind often, but when I have those thoughts I envision myself standing at the altar with my husband and promising before God that I would love him in sickness and health, in good times and bad, and until death do we part. So these are the bad times. I’m fine. I tied a knot and I’m hanging on.
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