So in my quest to stay away from writing about negativity, I have not been writing much. I'm here tonight because I have good and bad news. The situation in my family has gotten decidedly worse, but the good news is that I find my relationship with the Lord blossoming after being stagnant for so long.
A few weeks ago I came to a really low point in my walk. For the first time since I got saved 8 years ago, I found myself truly questioning the existence of God. Things around the home had gotten so bad, and the pressure had been mounting for so long and it really seemed like there was no hope in sight. I called on God for help, prayed, and even went on a fast once. The silence I got was deafening. Everything stayed the same. There was not even a glimmer of things beginning to move in the right direction.
I began to wonder if maybe this was all just a big joke. What if the hostile atheists I kept running into on the internet were actually on to something? What if they were right in saying there was no God? After waiting and waiting with no response, this idea began to really make sense to me. I knew where I was heading was dangerous, because in my opinion, once I had made up in my mind, for sure that there was no God, it was something I was going to stick with, no turning back.
As I saw myself inching closer and closer to the point of return, I decided to give it one last try with God. I made a concerted effort to start taking time out to pray, instead of simply saying my "driving to work" prayer. It's like a floodgate was lifted. Almost immediately I began to feel God's presence, and it really made all the difference.
Life is still the same. Troubles come and go..but mostly they come. I used to call myself an eternal pessimist, but I am beginning to learn to speak positive things over my life. My extended family is pretty much broken, and my real father left shortly after I was born. Besides my grandmother's prayers, I sincerely doubt there was anyone who prayed for me or blessed me when I was little. I am coming to the realization that if I want blessings I need to start speaking them into my life, because no one else will.
It is a slow going process. Just yesterday I had what I call a meltdown. This is when I finally reach the end of my rope and pretty much lose any semblance of rational thinking. It's when I want to lay in the bed and just forget about everything, all my obligations, all my troubles...everything. It doesn't happen often, but it's happened a few times and it really sucks for all involved.
Before, I would get really down on myself about having a meltdown, and while I am upset that I succumbed to the enemy, I also see it as being confirmation of just how much I really need God in my life. When I look over my past, I see all the filth I've picked up along the journey. I wasn't born being angry, pessimistic, rebellious, and aggressive. I picked those things up along the way from the environment I was born into, and because of the relationships I've had, and situations I put myself in. All these icky things are sticking to me, and they are like fifty pound weights I have to constantly lug around. Without a doubt, I need God, Jesus, My Lord and Savior, to clean me up and transform me.
The first step for me is to stop making excuses. I have a tendency to explain away my behavior by saying things like, "This is just the way I am," or, "I've always been this way." None of those things are true, and in fact, they are lies straight from the pit of hell. I have a choice in the matter even though it often does not feel that way. I really want to be free from all this and I am trusting that God is going to help me out along the way.
So what I do now is to continue praying. I understand now that my prayers are effective. Although I know God can change people overnight, most of the time it is a process. What I have to believe is that even if I do not wake up tomorrow to the marriage I once had, I have to believe that when my prayer goes forth, God is working in the unseen realm. My hope is that you will continue to press toward the mark of the high calling in Jesus Christ. The darkest hour is just before dawn. Don't give up yet!
