Once certain things are said, and certain things done, I think there comes a time in a relationship where there is no turning back, where some things are set in stone. For a few months my husband and I were having some problems in our relationship and during that time a lot of things were said to one another. Feelings were hurt, names were called, you get the drift. For the last few weeks, things have been a lot better, but I just never feel like we will be back the way we were.
For four years my husband (then boyfriend) and I had the type of relationship that others envied. We had made a pact early on in our relationship that we would talk things out, that we wouldn't scream at each other or call each other names. It worked like a charm for a while. Then we hit a rough patch, and the calm and caring person I married turned into a vicious, angry monster. I wanted to leave so many times, but I didn't. When this new year began things took a turn for the better. We have been getting along great and only had one incident. But I am not fooled, I never am.
Deep down inside I could not accept that things would be perfect the way they once were. I always had a nagging feeling that the mean person he became during our difficult times was still bubbling underneath the surface. I'm not perfect either. The fact that I no longer trust him and the leftover anger and resentment are still there. I want to forget the words that were said, but I can't. They are always with me. Now, even though things are better, I feel like I am always awaiting the next argument or struggle.
Today we are having one, and it feels like history repeating itself. I just feel so discouraged. I doubt that things will ever be the way they were before, when loving each other was so natural. Now I feel like it is all fake. I mean, if you have to force yourself or put forth a lot of effort to be kind to someone, to me that isn't genuine love.
But what do I know about love? It's not like I am the expert on love or anything. In fact, what I believe about love is what I have learned throughout the years, that it is temporary and dependent on how good of a person you are. What I have been taught by the people who love me is that the only time I am lovable is when I am acting the way they want me to act. Only when I live up to their ideals am I worthy of love. So that leads me to come to no other conclusion other than, the person I genuinely am simply is not good enough for love. Oh well, what can ya do?
I know I've said it in the past but today I really wish I could be done with the whole marriage thing. I'm really starting to believe that the fears I had coming into this marriage are true. I am just not marriage material. I don't have what it takes to see this marriage through until the end, and love doesn't last forever. A lot of days I feel like my life would be so much easier if I only had myself to make happy. Constantly trying to be your best for someone else is tiring and often has no reward. If I lived alone, with just my children, there would be no more arguing, fighting, or misunderstandings. Boy do I miss those days.
I don't know what I am waiting for. I guess, like so many others, I am simply holding on to hope that one day things will turn out better. Ahhh, but it's all just a dream. When things do get better for a while, it's only temporary, so why do I keep trying. Wouldn't things just be better off if we were both alone? I wouldn't have to worry about him being selfish and aggressive, and he wouldn't have to worry about me being a trouble maker and disrespectful. If we get divorced will I really go to hell? Will my life really be miserable? Will God really punish me for breaking my wedding vows? I don't know, but I am so willing to take those chances.
So usually I have encouraging words, but today I have none. The only halfway positive thing I have to say is to my single brothers and sisters out there. If you aren't married, please don't be in a rush to get married. It really isn't all it's cracked up to be. When it's good, it's great, but when it's bad, it's the worst. Having to live with someone when you simply cannot see eye to eye is terrible. There is no peace or happiness in that situation. When you are single, you only have your own likes and dislikes to consider, and who will you argue with then? Yourself? No.
When I was single and people gave warnings like this, I always thought, "If you take your time and marry the right one, you won't have any problems." Yeah, sure. I married the right one. We both are Christians. He was a kind and loving man. We have many things in common. If he isn't the right one, then no one else is, because no one can get as close to perfect as he is. However, people change. They grow, and sometimes they turn into different people, and then the person you married, is no longer the person you are with. I miss the person I married. I mourn for him. I long for him. But I don't think he exists anymore. So where do I go from here?
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