The Christians I Envy

I am not the jealous type.  I do not envy those with bigger homes than mine, or those who drive fancier cars.  I do not aspire to the highest position at my job, or long to follow in the footsteps of those who have nice degrees under their belt.  But there is a certain type of person that I often find myself envying...and that is the Christian who has it altogether.

I know what you are thinking, "How can you be jealous of another Christian?".  Hey, I warned you when I first got started here that I wasn't a perfect Christian, and now you get to see my ugly side.  Let me first clarify that I am not talking about the envy that makes you want to scratch out someones eyes or roast them over a slow fire, but rather I am talking about the envy that comes from longing for something that you do not have and it is tinged with sadness and want.  It is not vicious, or hateful, it is quiet and somber.  That is how I feel about those who seemingly are joyously riding out the God walk with only the slightest bump along the journey.

I know I am probably totally wrong, but in my mind the perfect Christian was raised in a two parent home, where both parents took the time to teach them about the Lord.  They have a firm foundation on which to build.  I am talking about the Christian who saw a loving marital relationship played out before their eyes.  Because they were not born of illegitimate sex like I was, they saved themselves for marriage or at worst maybe had one mistake before getting married.  Their past is not marked with various names and regrets like mine is.  Since they saw a great marriage filled with love and communication, they have no problem calmly talking out their feelings with their spouses.  They do not have outbursts or stay under the cover for days because they had a disagreement with their spouse.  This perfect Christian never felt the sting of rejection, so they do not fly into a panic when things go awry in their marriage.

I envy the perfect Christian because their home life was filled with fun and mutual respect.  They know how to teach their children about the Lord, because they saw it modeled.  Not like me, totally clueless on where to start, and when I do start I stop because I get frustrated.  They see me praying all the time in my room, but based on the terrible turn my oldest child took I have to assume that wasn't enough.

I am angry today, and this is nothing new.  Every now and again I go into pity-mode.  There are people who have it much worse than I do, so I feel like such a loser when I complain, but darn if I don't feel shortchanged.   I've been walking this road with the Lord for about eight years now and I swear sometimes I feel like I haven't learned a thing yet.  I wonder if those perfect Christians doubt like I do.  I'm not talking about a fleeting doubt on whether the mortgage will get paid, but the unhealthy doubt that maybe there isn't a God after all.  Wait, I'm how many years into this walk?  Yup, and every now and then I wonder...what if this is all an illusion?

When you are shaking in the corner with bloodshot eyes and snot running down your nose because you have cried so hard, the perfect Christian pats you on the back and tells you to "pray more" or "believe more", as if the last two years you've just been sitting around twiddling your thumbs.  The perfect Christian thinks you are flawed because you haven't grasped yet that God has your best interest at heart; it's hard to believe that sometimes when the last two years have been pure hell, when every time you get your hopes up and think that God has finally worked it out, you realize that nothing has actually changed at all.

I want to say to the perfect Christian, the one who has never had to deal with a marriage that is falling apart or a child who is insistent on going to jail before he is fifteen that I have prayed.  I have believed.  I have prayed and cried, cried and prayed.  I have fasted, I have read my Bible.  I've looked on the inside to see if their was any hidden sin.  I have asked the Lord to help me accept what I cannot change.  In fact, I think I have prayed every prayer that I could.  I haven't really gotten an answer to any of them.  When I prayed every prayer that I could and did everything I could think of, I did what Donnie McClurkin suggested and just "stood".  And then when I couldn't stand any longer I threw myself on the bed, and refused to talk to anybody.

I think it is nice that some people have a really awesome relationship with the Lord, but it makes me question my own relationship with Him.  I wonder why one week I am up and the next week I am down.  Why one day I am totally convinced that God can and will do anything and the next day I am not sure about anything at all.  I don't know where I stand, I falter, I fall...way more than it seems the average Christian does.  The only thing I am convinced of today is that most of the things I have prayed for haven't come to pass in the last year and a half.



To all you who have it all figured out, I envy you.