Sad

The one thing I always have a difficult time understanding is why I give so much of myself to people who never feel compelled to give me more than their leftover emotions.  As stated before, I am hardly perfect, but God knows that I put so much effort into considering the emotions of others.  I am sure I've hurt people before and make mistakes, but at my core I truly love the people I profess to love, and give them all I have to give in terms of love.  


I felt that unconditional love from my husband for the first few years of our marriage.  What I have now is really just a glimmer of what could have been and what once was.  I forgive, but am not forgiven.  I overlook faults, but my faults are magnified.  I keep coming up against a brick wall and I find myself wondering so often now if it is even worth it to continue to put myself through all the emotional ups and downs.


I have cried out to God, over and over again but I keep finding myself wondering if this marriage is really meant to be.  I look to the Bible for wisdom and I know what the Bible says about marriage.  However, I am a firm believe that we only live once.  How much longer can I stay here knowing, or at least feeling that I am not loved, and that everything I do is wrong?  If my marriage ends at least I can walk away knowing that I put 110% into keeping it together.  It's just sad that I am the only one who is trying.


This blog was never meant to be a chronicle about my marriage, and it's demise, but this is what it evolved into.  I really feel like giving up once and for all, and being done with it, and just starting over.  This has been going on for waaaaay too long now.  I'm tired of being the only one who cares anymore.  This only confirms what I believed when I was younger, that true love does not exist.  It's official: in my world, real love does not exist.